| Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. Jerry Seinfeld Funny |
| More from Jerry Seinfeld |
| Actually, the only memory I have of being a Cub Scout was trying to get my hat back. That was all I did. Run back and forth at my bus stop going Jerry Seinfeld |
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| Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur. Jerry Seinfeld |
| "A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking." Jerry Seinfeld |
| There's no such thing as fun for the whole family. Jerry Seinfeld |
| Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom. Jerry Seinfeld |
| It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. Jerry Seinfeld |
| Actually, the only memory I have of being a Cub Scout was trying to get my hat back. That was all I did. Run back and forth at my bus stop going "Quit it." Jerry Seinfeld |
| There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." Jerry Seinfeld |
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| A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. Jerry Seinfeld |
| There is no such thing as fun for the whole family. Jerry Seinfeld |
| More in the Funny category |
| You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. Bob Hope Funny |
| I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter. Winston Churchill Funny |
| Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar. Drew Carey Funny |
| Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. Erma Bombeck Funny |
| You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself. Ethel Barrymore Funny |
| Why can we remember the tiniest detail that has happened to us, and not remember how many times we have told it to the same person. François de la Rochefoucauld Funny |
| The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. Franklin P. Jones Funny |
| I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. Rodney Dangerfield Funny |
| When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before. Mae West Funny |
| The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time Friedrich Nietzsche Funny |
