| Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, it is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver. Jack Handey Alcohol |
| More from Jack Handey |
| Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk. Jack Handey |
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| Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books. Jack Handey |
| I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page Jack Handey |
| The tiger can't change his spots. No, wait, he did! Good for him! Jack Handey |
| If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we BUILD to that. Jack Handey |
| It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something. Jack Handey |
| Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. Jack Handey |
| Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. Jack Handey |
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| If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast. Jack Handey |
| Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won't laugh at a man just walking down the street carrying a clown outfit in one of those plastic dry-cleaner bags? Jack Handey |
| More in the Alcohol category |
| If you are young and you drink a great deal it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat - in other words, turn you into an adult. P.J. O'Rourke Alcohol |
| Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. Benjamin Franklin Alcohol |
| Everyone who drinks is not a poet. Some of us drink because we're not poets. From the movie Alcohol |
| How come if alcohol kills millions of brain cells, it never killed the ones that made me want to drink? Author Unknown Alcohol |
| One martini is all right. Two are too many, and three are not enough. James Thurber Alcohol |
| Life's a waste of time, time's a waste of life so let's all get wasted and have the time of our life. Author Unknown Alcohol |
| Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down. Phyllis Diller Alcohol |
| No poems can please for long or live that are written by water-drinkers. Horace (Quintus Horatius Flaccus) Alcohol |
| If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. Dean Martin Alcohol |
| Wine gives courage and makes men more apt for passion. Ovid Alcohol |
