| If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you. Jack Handey Sleep |
| More from Jack Handey |
| Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk. Jack Handey |
|
|
| Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books. Jack Handey |
| I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page Jack Handey |
| The tiger can't change his spots. No, wait, he did! Good for him! Jack Handey |
| If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we BUILD to that. Jack Handey |
| It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something. Jack Handey |
| Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. Jack Handey |
| Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. Jack Handey |
|
|
| If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast. Jack Handey |
| Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won't laugh at a man just walking down the street carrying a clown outfit in one of those plastic dry-cleaner bags? Jack Handey |
| More in the Sleep category |
| Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep. Albert Camus Sleep |
| I walked beside the evening sea And dreamed a dream that could not be; The waves that plunged along the shore Said only: Madam Marie Curie Sleep |
| Millions of spiritual creatures walk the earth Unseen, both when we wake and when we sleep. John Milton Sleep |
| I dream of wayward gulls and all landless lovers, rare moments of winter sun, peace, privacy, for everyone. Marcus Tullius Cicero Sleep |
| Finish each day before you begin the next, and interpose a solid wall of sleep between the two. This you cannot do without temperance. Ralph Waldo Emerson Sleep |
| True silence is the rest of the mind; it is to the spirit what sleep is to the body, nourishment and refreshment. Sir William Penn Sleep |
| If you can't sleep, then get up and do something instead of lying there and worrying. It's the worry that gets you, not the loss of sleep. Dale Carnegie Sleep |
| There is a time for many words, and there is also a time for sleep. Homer Sleep |
| I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting. Mark Twain Sleep |
| Oh sleep! It is a gentle thing,
Beloved from pole to pole. Samuel Taylor Coleridge Sleep |
