| I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. Jack Handey War |
| More from Jack Handey |
| Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk. Jack Handey |
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| Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books. Jack Handey |
| I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page Jack Handey |
| The tiger can't change his spots. No, wait, he did! Good for him! Jack Handey |
| If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we BUILD to that. Jack Handey |
| It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something. Jack Handey |
| Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. Jack Handey |
| Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. Jack Handey |
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| If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast. Jack Handey |
| Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won't laugh at a man just walking down the street carrying a clown outfit in one of those plastic dry-cleaner bags? Jack Handey |
| More in the War category |
| Cowards do not count in battle; they are there, but not in it. Euripides War |
| I will ignore all ideas for new works on engines of war, the invention of which has reached its limits and for whose improvements I see no further hope. Erich Fromm War |
| No one ever goes into battle thinking God is on the other side. Terry Goodkind War |
| A quarrel is quickly settled when deserted by one party: there is no battle unless there be two. Lucius Annaeus Seneca War |
| What use are cartridges in battle? I always carry chocolate instead. George Bernard Shaw War |
| War is a series of catastrophes which result in victory. Albert Pike War |
| Patriots always talk of dying for their country and never of killing for their country. Bertrand Russell War |
| Soldiers usually win the battles and generals get the credit for them. Napoleon Bonaparte War |
| A riot is a spontaneous outburst. A war is subject to advance planning. Richard Milhouse Nixon War |
| When people speak to you about a preventive war, you tell them to go and fight it. After my experience, I have come to hate war. War settles nothing. Dwight David Eisenhower War |
