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| You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. Bob Hope Quotes |
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| I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter. Winston Churchill Quotes |
| Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar. Drew Carey Quotes |
| Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. Erma Bombeck Quotes |
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| You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself. Ethel Barrymore Quotes |
| Why can we remember the tiniest detail that has happened to us, and not remember how many times we have told it to the same person. François de la Rochefoucauld Quotes |
| The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. Franklin P. Jones Quotes |
| I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. Rodney Dangerfield Quotes |
| When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before. Mae West Quotes |
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| The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time Friedrich Nietzsche Quotes |
| One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries. A. A. Milne Quotes |
| I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. Winston Churchill Quotes |
| If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. Earl Wilson Quotes |
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| Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? George Carlin Quotes |
| It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. George F. Burns Quotes |
| If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. George Gobal Quotes |
| If you can't convince them, confuse them. Harry S Truman Quotes |
| I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. Robert McCloskey Quotes |
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| The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about. Oscar Wilde Quotes |
| Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe. Albert Einstein Quotes |
| My play was a complete success. The audience was a failure. Ashleigh Brilliant Quotes |
| Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect. Benny Hill Quotes |
| Speak when you are angry - and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret. Dr. Laurence J. Peter Quotes |
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| You can't have everything. Where would you put it? Stephen Wright Quotes |
| Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives Sue Murphy Quotes |
| I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth. Janeane Garofalo Quotes |
| My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." Paula Poundstone Quotes |
| Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans John Lennon Quotes |
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| Life is one fool thing after another whereas love is two fool things after each other. Oscar Wilde Quotes |
| Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner. Lynda Montgomery Quotes |
| An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her. Agatha Christie Quotes |
| It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it. William Somerset Maugham Quotes |
| Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best. Woody Allen Quotes |
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| I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen Quotes |
| To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. Woody Allen Quotes |
| He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, a loyal friend - provided, of course, that he really is dead. Voltaire Quotes |
| The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. Jeff Foxworthy Quotes |
| In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane. Oscar Wilde Quotes |
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| A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal. Oscar Wilde Quotes |
| One reason why I don't drink is because I wish to know when I am having a good time. Nancy Witcher Astor Viscountess Quotes |
| Eskimo: "If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?" Priest: "No, not if you did not know." Eskimo: "Then why did you tell me?" Annie Dillard Quotes |
| If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you. Billy Wilder Quotes |
| Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year Victor Borge Quotes |
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| There is a theory which states that if ever for any reason anyone discovers what exactly the Universe is for and why it is here it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another that states that this has already happened. Douglas Adams Quotes |
| My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. Erma Bombeck Quotes |
| If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? Stephen Wright Quotes |
| Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times. Helen Rowland Quotes |
| The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook Julia Child Quotes |
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| I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying. Oscar Wilde Quotes |
| By persistently remaining single a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation. Oscar Wilde Quotes |
| Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else Will Rogers Quotes |
| If you can't answer a man's arguments, all is not lost; you can still call him vile names. Elbert Hubbard Quotes |
| You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' Tommy Cooper Quotes |
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| It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly. Oscar Wilde Quotes |
| Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot. Oscar Wilde Quotes |
| Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. Oscar Wilde Quotes |
| I've never had a problem with drugs. I've had problems with the police. Keith Richards Quotes |
| Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself Mark Twain Quotes |
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| I started out with nothing. I still have most of it. Michael Davis Quotes |
| A line is a dot that went for a walk. Paul Klee Quotes |
| Seven beers followed by two Scotches and a thimble of marijuana and it's funny how sleep comes all on it's own. David Sedaris Quotes |
| You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither Drew Carey Quotes |
| If we're not supposed to eat animals, how come they're made out of meat? Tom Snyder Quotes |
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| Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. Groucho Marx Quotes |
| Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. Jack Handey Quotes |
| See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. Robin Williams Quotes |
| Ah, yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. Robin Williams Quotes |
| There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock star or an opera diva. Josh Groban Quotes |
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| If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, looks like a duck, it must be a duck Proverb Quotes |
| I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes. Oscar Wilde Quotes |
| Americans have different ways of saying things. They say "elevator", we say "lift"... they say "President", we say "stupid psychopathic git. Alexai Sayle Quotes |
| I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. Woody Allen Quotes |
| I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone. Tommy Cooper Quotes |
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| When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. Emo Philips Quotes |
| How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand. Emo Philips Quotes |
| I'm so tired, but I can't sleep...standing on The Edge of something much too deep...funny how I feel so much but cannot say a word...we are screaming inside, oh, but we can't be heard...so afraid to love you, more afraid to lose...clinging to a past Sarah McLachlan Quotes |
| I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect. Oscar Wilde Quotes |
| I put all my genius into my life; I put only my talent into my works. Oscar Wilde Quotes |
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| This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. Oscar Wilde Quotes |
| Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess. Oscar Wilde Quotes |
| A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fucking cross? It's like going up to Jackie Onassis wearing a rifle pendant. Bill Hicks Quotes |
| Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties. Doug Larson Quotes |
| My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. Ellen DeGeneres Quotes |
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| I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not. Fran Lebowitz Quotes |
| I guess when you turn off the main road, you have to be prepared to see some funny houses. Stephen King Quotes |
| I don't plan to grow old gracefully; I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet Rita Rudner Quotes |
| It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married. Robert Frost Quotes |
| I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Rodney Dangerfield Quotes |
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| I speak two languages, Body and English. Mae West Quotes |
| Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast. Woody Allen Quotes |
| A rich man's joke is always funny Thomas Browne Sr. Quotes |
| Warning: Humor may be hazardous to your illness Ellie Katz Quotes |
| Hippies, hippies... they want to save the world but all they do is smoke pot and play frisbee! Eric Cartman Quotes |
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| One only needs two tools in life: WD-40 to make things go, and duct tape to make them stop. G. Weilacher Quotes |
| Good morning starshine, the Earth says hello! Johnny Depp Quotes |
| Sacred cows make the best hamburger Mark Twain Quotes |
| He who kisses girl on hillside is not level Confucius Quotes |
| Regarding the Boy Scouts, I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook George Carlin Quotes |
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| I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks. Groucho Marx Quotes |
| If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers it's gone, I think a good thing to do is to blame it on Santa Claus Jack Handy Quotes |
| You can safely assume that you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do. Anne Lamott Quotes |
| It's only funny till someone gets hurt........then it's hilarious Tre Cool Quotes |
| That is the best - to laugh with someone because you both think the same things are funny. Gloria Vanderbilt Quotes |
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| The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. Stephen Wright Quotes |
| Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. Roseanne Quotes |
| Me fail english? Thats unpossible. Matt Groening Quotes |
| The shoe that fits one person pinches another; there is no recipe for living that suits all cases. Carl Gustav Jung Quotes |
| I never resist temptation, because I have found that things that are bad for me do not tempt me. George Bernard Shaw Quotes |
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| When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth. George Bernard Shaw Quotes |
| Acquiring a dog may be the only opportunity a human ever has to choose a relative. Mordecai Wyatt Johnson Quotes |
| Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework Bill Cosby Quotes |
| Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle. Bob Hope Quotes |
| If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. Woody Allen Quotes |
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| Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought -- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things. Woody Allen Quotes |
| Shit is the tofu of cursing. David Sedaris Quotes |
| A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.' Tommy Cooper Quotes |
| California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. Fred Allen Quotes |
| There's an old saying in Tennessee - I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee...that says, fool me once, shame on...shame on you. Fool me...you can't get fooled again. George W. Bush Quotes |
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| Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself-like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks Jean Kerr Quotes |
| If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. Johnny Carson Quotes |
| Please, dear God, don't let me fuck up. Alan B. Shepard Jr. Quotes |
| Some guy hit my fender and I said "be fruitful and multiply" but not in those words Woody Allen Quotes |
| I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. Woody Allen Quotes |
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| If the person you are talking to doesn't appear to be listening, be patient. It may simply be that he has a small piece of fluff in his ear. Winnie the Pooh Quotes |
| Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy. Earnest Benn Quotes |
| They are not all friends who laugh with you. Proverb Quotes |
| I can remember Doris Day before she was a virgin. Oscar Levant Quotes |
| We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him. Napoleon Bonaparte Quotes |
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| The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with. Marty Feldman Quotes |
| When the authorities warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities. Matt Groening Quotes |
| Mosquitoes remind us that we are not as high up on the food chain as we think Tom Wilson Quotes |
| One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know. Groucho Marx Quotes |
| From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it. Groucho Marx Quotes |
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| I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were! Stephen Wright Quotes |
| My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth - that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally - but I didn't want to upset him. Jack Handy Quotes |
| I was such an ugly kid - When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up Rodney Dangerfield Quotes |
| Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye. Miss Piggy Quotes |
| Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos Dan Castellaneta Quotes |
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| Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac George Carlin Quotes |
| Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to fuck George Carlin Quotes |
| Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the Sting. William Arthur Ward Quotes |
| One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute. William Feather Quotes |
| I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.' Woody Allen Quotes |
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| Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it. Woody Allen Quotes |
| I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes Woody Allen Quotes |
| Tell me I'm clever, Tell me I'm kind, Tell me I'm talented, Tell me I'm cute, Tell me I'm sensitive, Graceful and wise, Tell me I'm perfect-- But tell me the truth. Shel Silverstein Quotes |
| You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test. George W. Bush Quotes |
| Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke? Rita Rudner Quotes |
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| It is perfectly monstrous the way people go about nowadays saying things against one, behind one's back, that are absolutely and entirely true. Oscar Wilde Quotes |
| It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either. Mark Twain Quotes |
| There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God. Bill Cosby Quotes |
| When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. Woody Allen Quotes |
| In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. Woody Allen Quotes |
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| I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. Woody Allen Quotes |
| I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear Woody Allen Quotes |
| Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love Woody Allen Quotes |
| Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. Woody Allen Quotes |
| You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans George Carlin Quotes |
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| Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood. Oscar Wilde Quotes |
| The man with the best job in the country is the vice-president. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, "How is the president?" Will Rogers Quotes |
| I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British Woody Allen Quotes |
| It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn't use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like "What about lunch?" Winnie the Pooh Quotes |
| I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food Erma Bombeck Quotes |
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| Never accept a drink from a urologist. Erma Bombeck Quotes |
| If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater, suggest that he wear a tail. Fran Lebowitz Quotes |
| When you feel neglected, think of the female salmon, who lays 3,000,000 eggs but no one remembers her on Mother's Day Sam Ewing Quotes |
| When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half. Gracie Allen Quotes |
| I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row." Stephen Wright Quotes |
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| I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house. Lewis Grizzard Quotes |
| Love is like racing across the frozen tundra on a snowmobile which flips over, trapping you underneath. At night, the ice-weasels come. Matt Groening Quotes |
| It's funny how you never think about the women you've had. It's always the ones who get away that you can't forget. Chuck Palahniuk Quotes |
| When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. Elayne Boosler Quotes |
| I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day 'cause that means it's gonna be up all night. Stephen Wright Quotes |
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| When your IQ rises to 28, sell. Irwin Corey Quotes |
| It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire. Jack Handy Quotes |
| We must laugh before we are happy, for fear we die before we laugh at all. Jean de La Fontaine Quotes |
| You get fifteen Democrats in a room, and you get twenty opinions Patrick Leahy Quotes |
| Computers have enabled people to make more mistakes faster than almost any invention in history, with the possible exception of tequila and hand guns Mitch Ratcliffe Quotes |
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| Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to test any drug they could come up with George Carlin Quotes |
| To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad. Jack Handy Quotes |
| Love is a piano dropped from a fourth story window, and you were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Ani Difranco Quotes |
| A thought comes . . . it's a true feeling, a funny feeling. And I get to develop it. [Writing] is more fun than performing, because I get to color with words. Bill Cosby Quotes |
| If the gods had intended for people to vote, they would have given us candidates Howard Zinn Quotes |
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| Every woman needs one man in her life who is strong and responsible. Given this security, she can proceed to do what she really wants to do-fall in love with men who are weak and irresponsible. Richard J. Needham Quotes |
| I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" Jay Leno Quotes |
| Here's my advice: Go ahead and be whacky. Get into a crazy frame of mind and ask what's funny about what you're doing. Roger Von Oech Quotes |
| I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks Joe E. Lewis Quotes |
| Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas Paula Poundstone Quotes |
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| Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy. Joseph Campbell Quotes |
| Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves. Albert Einstein Quotes |
| Competitive golf is played mainly on a five-and-a-half-inch course...the space between your ears. Bobby Jones Quotes |
| Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. Brooke Shields Quotes |
| San Francisco has a flowers-in-your-hair kind of vibe, while Chicago's got this very funny, big-city/small-town coolness to it, Dave Matthews Quotes |
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| Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. Winston Churchill Quotes |
| Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but The Bible says love your enemy. Frank Sinatra Quotes |
| Jazz is not dead - it just smells funny Frank Zappa Quotes |
| Books are funny little portable pieces of thought. Susan Sontag Quotes |
| I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. Proverb Quotes |
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| So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny. Mitch Hedberg Quotes |
| Dogsled-riding is a sport that is relaxing as well as fragrant. Dave Barry Quotes |
| He would say, 'How funny it will all seem, all you've gone through, when I'm not here anymore, when you no longer feel my arms around your shoulders, nor my heart beneath you, nor this mouth on your eyes, because I will have to go away someday, far away...' And in that instant I could feel myself with him gone, dizzy with fear, sinking down into the most horrible blackness: into death. Arthur Rimbaud Quotes |
| It was like a heart transplant. We tried to implant college in him but his head rejected it. Barry Switzer Quotes |
| I want to start by saying something nice about President Bush. Of all the presidents we've had with the last name of Bush, his economic plan ranks in the top two. Senator John Kerry Quotes |
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| I figured out Karl Rove's political strategy -- make gas so expensive, no Democrats can afford to go to the polls." Senator John Kerry Quotes |
| Bush is smart. I don't think that Bush will ever be impeached, 'cause unlike Clinton, Reagan, or even his father, George W. is immune from scandal. Because, if George W. testifies that he had no idea what was going on, wouldn't you believe him? Jay Leno Quotes |
| It's a real primal thing, watching someone get hurt. It's funny and accessible. Johnny Knoxville Quotes |
| Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious. Peter Ustinov Quotes |
| It's funny when someone says to you 'you're hot' and all that, because I don't think of it in that way. Kate Winslet Quotes |
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| Grow like a weed Proverb Quotes |
| Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny - Did you ever try buying then without money? Ogden Nash Quotes |
| The leadership instinct you are born with is the backbone. You develop the funny bone and the wishbone that go with it. Elaine Agather Quotes |
| Look guys, if you're just going to stare at me, I'm going to bed! Elvis Presley Quotes |
| I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough, let's go west.' Richard Jeni Quotes |
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| I have a girlfriend and she hasn't minded, ... She thinks it's funny I have to sing about that stuff. Patrick Stump Quotes |
| I think fooseball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs. Mitch Hedberg Quotes |
| My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer... so she got halfway. She's an actress, she's just never called to the set. Mitch Hedberg Quotes |
| When your bank account is so overdrawn that it is positively photographic, steps must be taken. Dorothy Parker Quotes |
| How has retirement affected my golf game? A lot more people beat me now. Dwight David Eisenhower Quotes |
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| Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? Groucho Marx Quotes |
| Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx Quotes |
| I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting. Andy Rooney Quotes |
| I used to think that everything was just being funny but now I don't know. I mean, how can you tell? Andy Warhol Quotes |
| It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious. Bill Hicks Quotes |
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| Seems like I've been here before, can't remember whenI get this funny feeling, we'll be together again;No straight lines make up my life, all my roads have bends;No clearcut beginnings; so far, no dead ends. Tom Chapin Quotes |
| The Vulcan Neck Pinch is not half as powerful as the Vulcan Groin Kick, but it's more politically correct Star Trek Quotes |
| The most dangerous food is wedding cake James Thurber Quotes |
| Today President Bush ordered an investigation into whether it is appropriate to have civilians with no experience running a Navy sub. Hey, how about an investigation into whether it's appropriate to have a civilian with no experience running the country? Jay Leno Quotes |
| (The Weakest Link) is fascinating program. They ask a bunch of people questions and they keep getting rid of the dumbest person, so just the smartest person is left. It is kind of the opposite way we elect a president. Jay Leno Quotes |
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| President Bush said for security reasons, he's sworn off all e-mail communication. He will not be using email at the White House at all. Is that a good idea? I mean, it's not like that speaking thing was working out so good. Jay Leno Quotes |
| Life is funny. Life isn't categorized into comedy, drama, action, is it?So I don't know why they try to categorize everything. It drives me crazy-why it would have to be just a romantic comedy or...I want to have a little integrity, a little story, you know. Jennifer Aniston Quotes |
| Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some useful hints for the better ordering of the universe. Alphonso X 'the Wise' Quotes |
| Bush gave an interview and he said people will vote for him because 'They've seen me weep, they’ve seen me laugh, and they’ve seen me hug.' These are the same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo. Bill Maher Quotes |
| Another term for balloon is bad breath holder. Demetri Martin Quotes |
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| From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere. Dr. Seuss Quotes |
| I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize Steven Wright Quotes |
| People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better press than people who are just funny and smart. Howard Simons Quotes |
| It's funny to me that people find other people getting coffee really interesting, or walking their dog in the dog park. Jake Gyllenhaal Quotes |
| The past is an old armchair in the attic, the present an ominous ticking sound, and the future is anybody's guess James Thurber Quotes |
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| Marge, old people don't need companionship, they need to be isolated and studied to see what useful nutrients can be obtained from them... Dan Castellaneta Quotes |
| I know that there are things that never have been funny, and never will be. And I know that ridicule may be a shield, but it is not a weapon. Dorothy Parker Quotes |
| You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day" Yeah, looks like He rushed it. Bill Hicks Quotes |
| Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. Woody Allen Quotes |
| Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission Fred Allen Quotes |
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| I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully. George Bush Quotes |
| The mind's first step to self-awareness must be through the body. George Sheehan Quotes |
| Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down. Robert Orben Quotes |
| Democracy is being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike least. Robert Byrne Quotes |
| Politics is just show business for ugly people Jay Leno Quotes |
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| The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. Jay Leno Quotes |
| Golf is a good walk spoiled. Mark Twain Quotes |
| If young love is just a game then i must have missed the kickoff Blink 182 Quotes |
| People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant. Ellen DeGeneres Quotes |
| I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did. Jeff Foxworthy Quotes |
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| Life can be dramatic and funny all in the same day! Jennifer Aniston Quotes |
| I'm so ugly - My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet Rodney Dangerfield Quotes |
| After God, long live wine. Rosalia de Castro Quotes |
| Life was a funny thing that occurred on the way to the grave Quentin Crisp Quotes |
| Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say I'm thirsty, not dirty. Joe E. Lewis Quotes |
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| Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it. One day I'm gonna, though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. That's ridiculous, but it's true. I always fight with wearing a beret. Mitch Hedberg Quotes |
| Aristotle maintained that women have fewer teeth than men; although he was twice married, it never occurred to him to verify this statement by examining his wives' mouths. Bertrand Russell Quotes |
| My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance Tim Allen Quotes |
| Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. Tommy Cooper Quotes |
| We make everything funny, you wouldn't believe the things we laugh at. We're always laughing-people think we're completely mad! Emma Bunton Quotes |
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| Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is. Steve Martin Quotes |
| Every woman should have four pets in her life. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass who pays for everything. Paris Hilton Quotes |
| It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. Jerry Seinfeld Quotes |
| My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law. Jerry Seinfeld Quotes |
| I have a funny relationship with my body...Ah, it sounds so stupid, but for me there shouldn't be any half way. Johnny Depp Quotes |
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| It's funny, isn't it? How your best friend can just blow up like that? Monty Python Quotes |
| 'Tis but a scratch''A scratch?! Your arm's off!''No, it isn't.' Monty Python Quotes |
| I was hooked on writing. I mean, where else can you get paid for sticking your nose into somebody else's business? Bette Greene Quotes |
| Eggs have no business dancing with stones Italian Proverb Quotes |
| It's funny how most people love the dead, once you're dead your made for life. Jimi Hendrix Quotes |
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| Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla. Jim Bishop Quotes |
| I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. Joan Rivers Quotes |
| Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro. Dave Barry Quotes |
| The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. Erma Bombeck Quotes |
| Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. Ernest Hemingway Quotes |
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| The most I can do for my friend is simply to be his friend. I have no wealth to bestow on him. If he knows that I am happy in loving him, he will want no other reward. Is not friendship divine in this? Henry David Thoreau Quotes |
| We are no longer the knights who say ni! We are now the knights who say ekki-ekki-ekki-pitang-zoom-boing! Monty Python Quotes |
| I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. Winston Churchill Quotes |
| Funny is an attitude. Flip Wilson Quotes |
| Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil! Golda Meir Quotes |
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| Music played at weddings always reminds me of the music played for soldiers before they go into battle Heinrich Heine Quotes |
| Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories. John Wilmot (2nd Earl of Rochester) Quotes |
| The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. Lucille Ball Quotes |
| Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right. Mitch Hedberg Quotes |
| I saw a product on late night tv. It said, you can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product. Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach?! I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach. I will throw water at you. Hopefully they invent a product before you shrivel and die. And they said, you can have this product for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like to see a product that was available for three easy payments, and one fuckin' complicated payment. We ain't gonna tell you which one it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch: the mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamps will be in the wrong denomination...Good luck f*cker! The last payment must be made in wompum! Mitch Hedberg Quotes |
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| When I do something directly political, even if [an audience] doesn't agree with it, if it's funny and true, they gotta give it up. . . . Stand-up is more personal; a monologue is standing on the corner watching the parade go by and making wisecracks about it. Bill Maher Quotes |
| President Bush, testing the mic at the GOP convention:'Four score and seven years ago. We have come here to dedicate a portion of it as a final resting place. ... My fellow members of the press corps, especially the camera man, tax relief is on the way ... don't spend it all in one place.' George W. Bush Quotes |
| I can't tell if that's funny or really scary. Calvin & Hobbes Quotes |
| If my film makes one more person miserable, I've done my job Woody Allen Quotes |
| I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a letter opener. I guess I'll have to kill a deer. David Sedaris Quotes |
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| You're 16 years old, you don't know shit about shit, and PULL UP YOU'RE PANTS!!! Denis Leary Quotes |
| When I was young, I said to God, 'God, tell me the mystery of the universe.' But God answered, 'That knowledge is for me alone.' So I said, 'God, tell me the mystery of the peanut.' Then God said, 'Well George, that's more nearly your size.' And he told me. George Washington Carver Quotes |
| One time, Bert and I were making out for so long it wasn't even funny..But then it was funny. Gerard Way Quotes |
| Underwear. It's like a goddamned leash. It also constantly reminds me of how funny I look naked. Pete Wentz Quotes |
| Strength is the ability to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of those pieces Judith Viorst Quotes |
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| Listen, everyone is entitled to my opinion. Madonna Quotes |
| If I really got my ribs removed, I would have been busy sucking my own dick on The Wonder Years instead of chasing winnie cooper. Besides, I wouldn't have sucked other people's dicks on stage, either. I would have been sucking my own. Plus, who really has time to be killing puppies when you can be sucking your own dick? I think I'm gonna call the surgeon in the morning. Marilyn Manson Quotes |
| It's hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse. Adlai Stevenson Quotes |
| The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale. Arthur C. Clarke Quotes |
| He that tries to recommend (Shakespeare) by select quotations, will succeed like the pedant in "Hierocles", who, when he offered his house to sale, carried a brick in his pocket as a specimen Samuel Johnson Quotes |
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| When Charles Dickens wrote "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times," I believe he must have been having an affair with his married ex-boyfriend. Sex and the City Quotes |
| The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers. Scott Adams Quotes |
| It's funny when people say, 'I don't think Julia likes me.' Honey, if I don't like you, you're going to know about it. Julia Roberts Quotes |
| One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world. Proverb Quotes |
| Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you Ogden Nash Quotes |
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| What people call insincerity is simply a method by which we can multiply our personalities. Oscar Wilde Quotes |
| You can't really be strong until you see a funny side to things. Ken Kesey Quotes |
| The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible. David Ogilvy Quotes |
| Your idea of fidelity is not having more than one man in bed at the same time Frederic Raphael Quotes |
| I had often fantasized about running into my ex and his wife. But in those fantasies, I was running over them with a truck. Sex and the City Quotes |
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| Consultants have credibility because they are not dumb enough to work at your company Scott Adams Quotes |
| A man never feels more important than when he receives a telegram containing more than ten words. George Ade Quotes |
| I was raised in the West. The West of texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California. George Bush Quotes |
| Sometimes I'm so sweet even I can't stand it. Julie Andrews Quotes |
| Love is like wine. To sip is fine, but to empty the bottle is a headache. Julio Iglesias Quotes |
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| He who laughs last laughs longest Proverb Quotes |
| Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build bridges even when there are no rivers. Nikita Khrushchev Quotes |
| Us sing and dance, make faces and give flower bouquets, trying to be loved. You ever notice that trees do everything to git attention we do, except walk? Alice Walker Quotes |
| I don't know what humor is. Anything that's funny -- tragedy or anything, it don't make no difference so [long as] you happen to hit it just right. But there's one thing I'm proud of -- I ain't got it in for anybody. I don't like to make jokes that hurt anybody. Will Rogers Quotes |
| If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress. Will Rogers Quotes |
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| I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. Frank Sinatra Quotes |
| It's really hard to walk in a single woman's shoes -- that's why you sometimes need really special shoes! Sex and the City Quotes |
| Have you been to The Land of Happy,Where everyone's happy all day,Where they joke and they singOf the happiest things,And everything's jolly and gay?There's no one unhappy in Happy, There's laughter and smiles galore.I have been to The Land of Happy - What a bore! Shel Silverstein Quotes |
| Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. Johnny Carson Quotes |
| The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole life - time, if not asked to lend money Mark Twain Quotes |
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| If my critics saw me walking over the Thames they would say it was because I couldn't swim. Margaret Thatcher Quotes |
| I'm not funny. What I am is brave. Lucille Ball Quotes |
| It's a funny thing, the more I practice the luckier I get Arnold Palmer Quotes |
| I think being funny is not anyone's first choice. Woody Allen Quotes |
| Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose. Winston Churchill Quotes |
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| My dog of 17 years just died. Oh you're kidding?...Noooo...as funny as that is, I'm not Ellen DeGeneres Quotes |
| I got to dress up in funny clothes and run around New Zealand with a bow and arrow for 18 months, how bad could that be? Orlando Bloom Quotes |
| I would like to apologize for referring to George W. Bush as a deserter. What I meant to say is that George W. Bush is a deserter, an election thief, a drunk driver, a WMD liar, and a functional illiterate. And he poops his pants Michael Moore Quotes |
| I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly... Mitch Hedberg Quotes |
| I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, 'Don't even act Like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".' Mitch Hedberg Quotes |
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| I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap. Mitch Hedberg Quotes |
| The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting. Dave Barry Quotes |
| The magician and the politician have much in common: they both have to draw our attention away from what they are really doing. Ben Okri Quotes |
| My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden. Eric Morecambe Quotes |
| Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. Fran Lebowitz Quotes |
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| I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Joan Rivers Quotes |
| The embarrassing thing is that the salad dressing is outgrossing my films. Paul Newman Quotes |
| I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide... Mitch Hedberg Quotes |
| I am odd-looking. I sometimes think I look like a funny Muppet. Angelina Jolie Quotes |
| You should stick with what you enjoy, what you find funny -- that's the humor that will be the strongest, and that will transmit itself. Rather then trying to find out what the latest trend is, you should draw what is personally interesting. Bill Watterson Quotes |
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| One day soon the Gillette company will announce the development of a razor that, thanks to a computer microchip, can actually travel ahead in time and shave beard hairs that don't even exist yet Dave Barry Quotes |
| I think we agree, the past is over. George W. Bush Quotes |
| We hope that, when the insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on all our picnics. Bill Vaughn Quotes |
| He laughs best who laughs last. English Proverb Quotes |
| A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid. Jack Benny Quotes |
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| Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason Jerry Seinfeld Quotes |
| Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. Jerry Seinfeld Quotes |
| I got attention by being funny at school, pretending to be retarded, and jumping around with a deformed hand. Leonardo DiCaprio Quotes |
| I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Mitch Hedberg Quotes |
| It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky... Mitch Hedberg Quotes |
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| I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential. Mitch Hedberg Quotes |
| A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke. Jack Handy Quotes |
| It's so funny. Every time I sit down in the classroom, my book bag rings and it's my cell phone, and it's Joel (Schumacher) or Clint (Eastwood) going, 'Do you want to do this movie? - and I can't turn an opportunity like that down. Emily Rossum Quotes |
| In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced on television. Erma Bombeck Quotes |
| The best way to lose weight is to develop an orthodox belief in some religion that doesn't allow any fun Gregory Nunn Quotes |
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| An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day. Irv Kupcinet Quotes |
| The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning "ability to," and bics, meaning "withstand tremendous boredom Dave Barry Quotes |
| While you are destroying your mind watching the worthless, brain-rotting drivel on TV, we on the Internet are exchanging, freely and openly, the most uninhibited, intimate and, yes, shocking details about our "CONFIG.SYS" settings. Dave Barry Quotes |
| She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. Groucho Marx Quotes |
| Always remember this: 'A kiss will never miss, and after many kisses a miss becomes a misses'. John Lennon Quotes |
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| Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government! Monty Python Quotes |
| The best way to lose weight is to close your mouth - something very difficult for a politician. Or watch your food - just watch it, don't eat it. Edward Koch Quotes |
| At this moment I do not have a personal relationship with a computer. Janet Reno Quotes |
| According to this week's Time magazine, President George Bush is a serious fitness buff. He works out 60 to 90 minutes a day with weights. Apparently he likes working out because it 'clears his mind.' Sometimes it works a little too well. Jay Leno Quotes |
| I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive. Jerry Seinfeld Quotes |
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| Indecision may or may not be my problem. Jimmy Buffett Quotes |
| Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. Dave Barry Quotes |
| Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie... a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion. George Orwell Quotes |
| I'm the master of low expectations. George W. Bush Quotes |
| 'I was going to start off tonight by telling some self-deprecating jokes, but then I couldn't think of any mistakes I've made to be self-deprecating about.' –President Bush, at the White House Correspondents' dinner, poking fun at his performance in a recent news conference, in which he drew a blank when asked about mistakes he had made George W. Bush Quotes |
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| I want to thank my friend, Senator Bill Frist, for joining us today. You're doing a heck of a job. You cut your teeth here, right? That's where you started practicing? That's good. He married a Texas girl, I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me. George W. Bush Quotes |
| Politicians can do more funny things naturally than I can think of to do purposely Will Rogers Quotes |
| New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him. Emo Philips Quotes |
| It's funny. All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they'll do practically anything you want them to. J. D. Salinger Quotes |
| I am a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy. J. D. Salinger Quotes |
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| The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears it is true. J. Robert Oppenheimer Quotes |
| I am a world-class weenie when it comes to letting people stick needles into me. My subconscious mind firmly believes that if God had wanted us to have direct access to our bloodstreams, He would have equipped our skin with small, clearly marked doors. Dave Barry Quotes |
| A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book. Ernest Hemingway Quotes |
| Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh. George Bernard Shaw Quotes |
| Actually, I...this may sound a little West Texan to you, but I like it. When I'm talking about...when I'm talking about myself, and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me. George W. Bush Quotes |
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| First you must find... another shrubbery! (dramatic chord) Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here, beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get a two layer effect with a little path running down the middle. ("A path! A path!") Then, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forrest... with... a herring! Monty Python Quotes |
| I can't be funny if my feet don't feel right. Billy Crystal Quotes |
| Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision. Blake Clark Quotes |
| I have only been funny about seventy four per cent of the time. Yes I think that is right. Seventy-four per cent of the time. Will Ferrell Quotes |
| It's funny, this thing about happiness. It's a commodity that was imported from America in the Fifties. I see myself simply as living my life . . . I feel it's pushing your luck to define how happy you are. Francesca Annis Quotes |
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| One thing the blues ain't, is funny. Stephen Stills Quotes |
| The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you. Rita Mae Brown Quotes |
| Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. Jerry Seinfeld Quotes |
| Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them. Ogden Nash Quotes |
| It's funny - more people talk about my 'babe-dom' now than they did before I had a child. Whatever. I guess I'm a role model in hot pants now. That's cool! Lauryn Hill Quotes |
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| Mrs. Lindsay - "You certainly look cool." - Yogi Berra - "Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." Yogi Berra Quotes |
| Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two week's notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have Bob Ettinger Quotes |
| It's funny how all the magazines can dwell on my race, but they could never say that my shit is whack because they know my shit is tight! Eminem Quotes |
| Any discussion of the problems of being funny in America will not make sense unless we substitute the word wit for humor. Humor inspires sympathetic good-natured laughter and is favored by the ''healing-power'' gang. Wit goes for the jugular, not the jocular, and it's the opposite of football; instead of building character, it tears it down. Florence King Quotes |
| That is the best - to laugh with someone because you think the same things are funny Gloria Vanderbilt Quotes |
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| I actually was class clown, but I don't know how that happened because I've never been considered an outwardly funny person-as the people in this room will attest." Janeane Garofalo Quotes |
| There is nothing funny about Halloween. This sarcastic festival reflects, rather, an infernal demand for revenge by children on the adult world. Jean Baudrillard Quotes |
| A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. Robert Frost Quotes |
| Only man has dignity; only man, therefore, can be funny. Ronald Knox Quotes |
| Wal-mart... do they like make walls there? Paris Hilton Quotes |
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| I just think it's really funny and entertaining. I mean, I don't necessarily take them really seriously - I don't even think a lot of really good films get seen. But I don't think that's what it's about. I mean, how amazing was Ellen Burstyn in Requiem For A Dream ? Especially as she was acting with herself most of the time. I don't understand how a performance like that can't win. I was so affected by that movie that I had to turn it off. I felt as if I was on drugs and my heart was about to leap out of my body. Liv Tyler Quotes |
| A good friend can tell you what is the matter with you in a minute. He may not seem such a good friend after telling. Arthur Brisbane Quotes |
| I was asked to act when I couldn't act. I was asked to sing 'Funny Face' when I couldn't sing, and dance with Fred Astaire when I couldn't dance - and do all kinds of things I wasn't prepared for. Then I tried like mad to cope with it. Audrey Hepburn Quotes |
| Jess has always made funny comments where you're like, 'Where in the hell did that come from?' But I think it's charming Ashlee Simpson Quotes |
| Justin [Timberlake] is everything, and what more could you want in a person? He's funny. He's cute. He's great. He just understands. I get him and he gets me, and that's cool. Britney Spears Quotes |
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| Violence is not funny. William Friedkin Quotes |
| I really think that sex always looks kind of funny in a movie. William Friedkin Quotes |
| Losing streaks are funny. If you lose at the beginning you got off to a bad start. If you lose in the middle of the season, you're in a slump. If you lose at the end, you're choking. Gene Mauch Quotes |
| I watched a porno once, it was really funny. Katie Holmes Quotes |
| I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. Mae West Quotes |
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| It's hard to be funny when you have to be clean. Mae West Quotes |
| Golf is an open exhibition of overweening ambition, courage deflated by stupidity, skill soured by a whiff of arrogance. Alistair Cooke Quotes |
| Relax? How can anybody relax and play golf? You have to grip the club, don't you? Ben Hogan Quotes |
| I was doing sketches that were funny but socially irresponsible. I felt I was deliberately being encouraged and I was overwhelmed. Dave Chappelle Quotes |
| Yes, as through this world I've wandered I've seen lots of funny men; Some will rob you with a six-gun, And some with a fountain pen Woody Guthrie Quotes |
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| Hurried and worried until we're buried, and there's no curtain call, Lifes a very funny proposition after all George M. Cohan Quotes |
| I know they are all environmentalists. I heard a lot of my speeches recycled. Jesse Jackson Quotes |
| In Mexico an air conditioner is called a politician because it makes a lot of noise but doesn't work very well. Len Deighton Quotes |
| Everything I buy is vintage and smells funny. Maybe that's why I don't have a boyfriend. Lucy Liu Quotes |
| To be a successful father there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years Ernest Hemingway Quotes |
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| When you watch the show in reruns..it's so funny to be flipping channels and see an old episode and think, 'God, we were awful. Such babies. Jennifer Aniston Quotes |
| I guess in my house when I was growing up, I was comfortable trying to be funny. And my dad, of course, it bugged him sometimes. He was trying to rest, and I was constantly trying to say something stupid to get a reaction. But I like doing these movies. You can do it in front of the camera and then it's over. I don't have to worry about being in front of too many people. Adam Sandler Quotes |
| I'd love to become like Bill Murray, who was so funny on Saturday Night Live and has gone on to do some of the landmark comedies people like. And then to add this whole other phase to his career with Lost in Translation and Rushmore. I always felt to be able to have something similar to that would be great. Will Ferrell Quotes |
| I have a theory of relatives, too. Don't hire 'em. Jack L. Warner Quotes |
| A blunderer is a man who starts a meat market during Lent James Montgomery Bailey Quotes |
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| My mother was nuts. She was very funny. We got our sense of humor from her. My father had no sense of humor and they yelled at each other. Penny Marshall Quotes |
| You know, it's funny... when you're making money, people don't think you're playing jazz. Now when you're not making money, people think that you're a good jazz musician. Pete Fountain Quotes |
| How do I describe myself? I'd have to say that I'm an easy-going and funny person. I like everyone I meet. I tend to be a romantic and an idealist, though, and sometimes it's frustrating because it's a vision that's almost impossible to live up to in real life Natassia Malthe Quotes |
| I'm not melancholy; I'm a happy-go-lucky person, kind of silly. I like funny things. I have a lot of energy. I tend to like music that's mellow, though. Norah Jones Quotes |
| People have often wondered how they'd feel if they were adopted. I think it's funny. Larry David Quotes |
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| It was way ahead of its time. It's like this black guy with a bunch of money. He's funny, and he never lost his money. He was always a great businessman. I love that show. Chris Rock Quotes |
| I don't work with high-concept things that start with a premise, "Wouldn't it be funny if there was this spy who met a... " For me, it could be, "What about people who sell shoes? That must be a bizarre world... when they meet at conventions and talk about shoes." Christopher Guest Quotes |
| That's what acting is about, ... Funny wigs and voices, that's what we do. Cillian Murphy Quotes |
| It's funny, because 'Nightmare' wasn't a real success when it came out ... Tim Burton Quotes |
| Marry for money, my little sonny, a rich man's joke is always funny. Hebrew Proverb Quotes |
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| Funny peculiar, or funny ha-ha? Ian Hay Quotes |
| It's funny what a picture can do. Ira Hayes Quotes |
| I was one of Them: the Strange Ones. The Funny People. The Odd Tribes of autograph collectors and photographers. The Ones who waited through long days and nights, who used other people's dreams for their lives. Ray Bradbury Quotes |
| He's a writer that I like very much. He's a very funny writer with a great, offbeat sense of character. He's attracted to odd people, and this story is like that, in part about a 63-year-old woman, which is interesting to me. It's a character study, really. I don't want to talk too much about it, because we don't want to spoil the story. Kathleen Chalfant Quotes |
| [Reporter: How did you find America?] We turned left at Greenland. John Lennon Quotes |
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| It's a funny old world - a man's lucky if he gets out of it alive. W. C. Fields Quotes |
| They say he's [Yogi Berra] funny. Well, he has a lovely wife and family, a beautiful home, money in the bank, and he plays golf with millionaires. What's funny about that?" Casey Stengel Quotes |
| It's funny how most activists are pacifists. Craig Bruce Quotes |
| Courtney Love is really cool and funny. I would like to meet Julia Roberts and Cameron Diaz. I think I could play their daughters. Dakota Fanning Quotes |
| I was not particularly bright, I wasn't very athletic, I was a little too tall, odd, funny looking, I was just really weird as a kid. Uma Thurman Quotes |
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| I think people buy our records because they finally see three guys that are funny and have personalities but play serious songs about things they can relate to ... Kids say they can relate to what our songs are about. They feel like we're their friends. Tom DeLonge Quotes |
| She's tough, she's confident. It's funny, our beauty standard has become harder and tougher because we live in a tough age. I don't think anyone wants to walk down the street and feel vulnerable. You want to walk down the street and feel like you're in control. Tom Ford Quotes |
| Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny. Guy Davenport Quotes |
| You see, I like being funny. When I read the interviews back afterwards I make myself laugh. Robbie Williams Quotes |
| It's funny because, when I hit it, I just tried to run as hard as I could, and I don't really remember much. Jeff Suppan Quotes |
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| I know I've got a disgusting body, but I think it's funny, so I'm gonna make people laugh at it. Blink 182 Quotes |
| The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year. Woody Allen Quotes |
| Oh, this sounds so obnoxious, ... I'm not planning anything out. I'm just trying to be funny. I don't think any of it's particularly deep. It's just what interests me. Sarah Silverman Quotes |
| I would have felt a little funny if another actor was playing this role. Steve Martin Quotes |
| Karma is a funny thing, Jason Lee Quotes |
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| The script came along and it was funny and it gave me the chance to play an outrageous character and I've never done anything before quite like her, Jane Fonda Quotes |
| In my circle of friends, I've always been loud and funny and talkative. But as soon as I step out of that circle, I get very quiet and introspective. I don't want the spotlight on me. Rosie Perez Quotes |
| I've dated some women who have turned me on to some funny things that are strange for men to actually do. But these things have become part of my process. I think the things I do for my appearance help make me look better. I even color my hair because I like how it makes me look. Ryan Seacrest Quotes |
| The funny thing about television is that once you start to do it you never get time to watch it. Kevin Sorbo Quotes |
| It's a funny thing, because I thought the longer I went, the easier it would get. The truth is, the longer it goes, the harder it gets. Kyle Petty Quotes |
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| That's what I hate about a lot of comedies, when you're hitting a line or making it funny. Jennifer Aniston Quotes |
| It's lost on me. I can just about tell if it's got a jet engine or one of those funny things on the front! David Attenborough Quotes |
| The Deputy Prime Minister will present a bill that is rambling, over-inflated, illogical and ridiculously cumbersome - funny coincidence, that. William Hague Quotes |
| Mark Twain told jokes, but they somehow stayed funny for a hundred years; they're still funny today. When Mark Twain said, 'He was a good man in the worst sense of the word,' we know exactly what he's talking about. When he said 'Wagner's music is not as bad as it sounds,' it still is funny. Mark Twain was really a miracle. Garrison Keillor Quotes |
| It's funny how a chubby kid can just be having fun, and people call it entertainment! Garth Brooks Quotes |
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| It's sad and upsetting when you see somebody crying hysterically, but at the same time it's real funny. Seth Green Quotes |
| [Reviews have been somewhat mixed. Publishers Weekly called it] often tedious but hilarious. ... far more frightening than funny. Sex and the City Quotes |
| It's funny what a few no-hitters do for a body. Satchel Paige Quotes |
| People who see a drawing in the "New Yorker" will think automatically that it's funny because it is a cartoon. If they see it in a museum, they think it is artistic; and if they find it in a Fortune cookie they think it is a prediction. Saul Steinberg Quotes |
| My dream would be that she would think that's funny. There is a part of me that loves her and I watch her show every day. Oprah Winfrey Quotes |
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| Funny noises are not funny Nancy Cartwright Quotes |
| It's funny how everything was Roses when we held on to our Guns. Axel Rose Quotes |
| It's a very funny play. The music is just tremendous; it's a comedy with opera mixed in. Bryan Adams Quotes |
| In the end, though, if you don't find it funny, well, I do. Don't analyse the morals. The weird thing is that in real life I really want to be liked, but in art I don't care. Julia Davis Quotes |
| You had to get out of them occasionally, those Illinois towns with funny names: Paris. Oblong. Normal. Once, when the Dow Jones hit 200 points, the paper's banner headline read: 'Normal Man Marries Oblong Woman.' Julia Sweeney Quotes |
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| I'm trying to right my wrongs/ But it's funny the same wrongs help me write this song, Kanye West Quotes |
| Funny + sad is what I'm pitching for, every time. Nick Hornby Quotes |
| To state the obvious, romantic comedies have to be funny and they have to be romantic. But one of the most important things, for me anyway, is that they be about two strong people finding their way to love. Nora Ephron Quotes |
| Funny story, ... We actually forgot we were recording these songs until the day before we were supposed to start. That afternoon, we decided on the songs, learned them, rewrote them, scrapped them, rewrote them again and then recorded them the next day. It was the most fun we've ever had in the studio! Kenny Chesney Quotes |
| It's a funny thing about these kinda towns. They may not be big or flashy, but they're like where I come from: real basic, pretty simple and all heart. The people that live in those places, that come from those kinds of towns, they remind you about everything that's good about folks, so it's great to be able to start our next leg right smack in the middle of it all. Kenny Chesney Quotes |
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| It was funny, during the making of this movie I was really sad because you're not getting anything back and you're giving so much to so many other people. I feel like that's the way Claire was. She spends a lot of time on other people, giving people advice and learning about people; and she doesn't really take care of herself in that way. Kirsten Dunst Quotes |
| Be funny, be daring, and be as creative as possible, ... Embarrassment is only in your minds; it's not really happening. David Burns Quotes |
| And remember, it's also very funny, because side by side with grief lies joy. Fran Drescher Quotes |
| Actually, it's funny that you mention that, we just started making plans within the last few days. We're going to hopefully do at least three videos for this album. We have tons of live footage and tons of the making of this record on film so we're hoping that by the end of next summer here that it will be out and it will run for about two hours. Tracii Guns Quotes |
| Thinking and Thought: Thoughts are funny little things, They can make paupers or make kings. Sidney Madwed Quotes |
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| It is funny the two things most men are proudest of is the thing that any man can do and doing does in the same way, that is being drunk and being the father of their son Gertrude Stein Quotes |
| Over the years I've worked with so many smart, funny, talented gay people, and I just don't think about it. They're my friends. Jonathan Taylor Thomas Quotes |
| It's crazy and it's funny. It's an outrageous comment, an outrageous claim. Mark Teixeira Quotes |
| One matter Englishmen don't think in the least funny is their happy consciousness of possessing a deep sense of humor. Marshall McLuhan Quotes |
| I said 'George, if you want to end world tyranny, you have to stay up later.' Nine o'clock and Mr. Excitement here is in bed, leaving me to watch 'Desperate Housewives' with Lynne Cheney. Ladies and gentlemen, I am a desperate housewife. Laura Bush Quotes |
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| It's very funny, and we really laughed a lot while we were making it and I could always tell how happy the director was by how hard he laughed behind the monitor. Liv Tyler Quotes |
