Mark Twain Quotes & Mark Twain Sayings

Fort Yuma is probably the hottest place on earth. The thermometer stays at one hundred and twenty in the shade there all the time - except when it varies and goes higher. It is a U.S. military post, and its occupants get so used to the terrific heat that they suffer without it. There is a tradition... that a very, very wicked soldier died there, once, and of course, went straight to the hottest corner of perdition, - and the next day he telegraphed back for his blankets. "I have never let my schooling interfere with my education." "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." "In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards." "It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them." "It is by the goodness of God that we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them." "Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great." "Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed." "Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of congress; but I repeat myself." "The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up." "The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them." "The report of my death was an exaggeration." "We are chameleons, and our partialities and prejudices change place with an easy and blessed facility, and we are soon wonted to the change and happy in it." "We had the sky up there, and we used to lay on our backs and look up at them, and discuss whether they was made or just happened." "We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read." "Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect." "Work is a necessary evil to be avoided." "[Humanity] has unquestionably one really effective weapon—laughter. Power, money, persuasion, supplication, persecution—these can lift at a colossal humbug—push it a little—weaken it a little, century by century; but only laughter can blow it to rags and atoms at a blast. Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand." . . . a man must not hold himself aloof from the things which his friends and his community have at heart if he would be liked . . . ...gratitude is a debt which usually goes on accumulating like blackmail; the more you pay, the more is exacted. In time, you are made to realize that the kindness done you is become a curse and you wish it had not happened. ...the person that had took a bull by the tail once had learnt sixty or seventy times as much as a person that hadn't, and said a person that started in to carry a cat home by the tail was getting knowledge that was always going to be useful to him, and warn't ever going to grow dim or doubtful. Chances are, he isn't likely to carry the cat that way again, either. But if he wants to, I say let him! George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth. He could not even lie. Mark Twain, in an interview today, spoke about hazing at West Point, and denounced the practice as a brutal one and men who indulge in it as bullies and cowards. "Why," he said, "the fourth class man who is compelled to fight a man from the first class hasn't a show in the world, and it is not intended that he should. I have read the rules provided to prevent such practices, and they are wholly deficient, because one provision is omitted. I would make it the duty of a cadet to report to the authorities any case of hazing which came to his notice; make such reports a part of the vaunted West Point 'code of honor' and the beating of young boys by upper class men will be stopped. I am not opposed to fights among boys as a general thing. If they are conducted in a spirit of fairness, I think it makes boys manly, but I do oppose compelling a little fellow to fight some man big enough to whip two of him. When I was a boy, going to school down in the Mississippi Valley, we used to have our fights, and I remember one occasion on which I got soundly trounced, but we always matched boys as nearly of a size as possible, and there was none of the cowardly methods that seem to prevail at West Point." The Bible is a mass of fables and traditions, mere mythology A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain. A big leather-bound volume makes an ideal razor strap. A thin book is useful to stick under a table with a broken caster to steady it. A large, flat atlas can be used to cover a window with a broken pane. And a thick, old-fashioned heavy book with a clasp is the finest thing in the world to throw at a noisy cat. A classic is a book which people praise and don't read. A classic is a book which people praise and don't read. A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read. A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. A dozen direct censures are easier to bear than one morganatic compliment A friend is someone who stays in when the rest of the world has gone out. A genuine expert can always foretell a thing that is 500 years away easier than he can a thing that's only 500 seconds off A good and wholesome thing is a little harmless fun in this world; it tones a body up and keeps him human and prevents him from souring. A good memory and a tongue tied in the middle is a combination which gives immortality to conversation A great soul, with a great purpose, can make a weak body strong and keep it so A habit cannot be tossed out the window; it must be coaxed down the stairs a step at a time. A healthy and wholesome cheerfulness is not necessarily impossible to any occupation A historian who would convey the truth must lie. Often he must enlarge the truth by diameters, otherwise his reader would not be able to see it. A home without a cat--and a well-fed, well-petted and properly revered cat--may be a perfect home, perhaps, but how can it prove title? A human being has a natural desire to have more of a good thing than he needs. A joke, even if it be a lame one, is nowhere so keenly relished or quickly applauded as in a murder trial. A lie can run around the world six times while the truth is still trying to put on its pants. A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes. A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes. A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is still putting on its shoes A man can seldom -- very, very, seldom -- fight a winning fight against his training; the odds are too heavy. A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval. A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself as a liar A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way. A man with a hump-backed uncle mustn't make fun of another man's cross-eyed aunt A man with a new idea is a crank -- until the idea succeeds. A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation A man's house burns down. The smoking wreckage represents only a ruined home that was dear through years of use and pleasant associations. By and by, as the days and weeks go on, first he misses this, then that, then the other thing. And when he casts about for it he finds that it was in that house. Always it is an essential -- there was but one of its kind. It cannot be replaced. It was in that house. It is irrevocably lost. It will be years before the tale of lost essentials is complete, and not till then can he truly know the magnitude of his disaster. A man's private thought can never be a lie; what he thinks, is to him the truth, always A mother had a slender, small body, but a large heart - a heart so large that everybody's grief and everybody's joy found welcome in it, and hospitable accommodation. A myriad of men are born; they labor and sweat and struggle; ...they squabble and scold and fight; they scramble for little mean advantages over each other; age creeps upon them; infirmities follow; ...those they love are taken from them, and the joy of life is turned to aching grief. It comes at last--the only unpoisoned gift earth ever had for them--and they vanish from a world where they were of no consequence, ...a world which will lament them a day and forget them forever. A nation is only an individual multiplied A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds. A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape. A scientist will never show any kindness for a theory which he did not start himself. A sin takes on a new and real terror when there seems a chance that it is going to be found out A successful book is not made of what is in it, but what is left out of it A thing long expected takes the form of the unexpected when at last it comes A thing long expected takes the form of the unexpected when at last it comes. A thoroughly beautiful woman and a thoroughly homely woman are creations which I love to gaze upon, and which I cannot tire of gazing upon, for each is perfect in her own line Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often. Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething. Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was, that they escaped teething. Adam was but human-this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden. Adam was the luckiest man; he had no mother-in-law. Adam was the only man who, when he said a good thing, knew that nobody had said it before him. After a few months' acquaintance with European "coffee," one's mind weakens, and his faith with it, and he begins to wonder if the rich beverage of home, with its clotted layer of yellow cream on top of it, is not a mere dream after all, and a thing which never existed. After all these years I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her. After all these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her.Adam, in Adam's Diary Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand. Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand. Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. All generalizations are false, including this one. All good things arrive unto them that wait - and don't die in the meantime All I say is, kings is kings, and you got to make allowances. Take them all around, they're a mighty ornery lot. It's the way they're raised. All religions issue bibles against him, and say most injurious things about him, but we never hear his side. All right, then, I'll go to hell. All say, "How hard it is that we have to die" - a strange complaint to come from the mouths of people who have had to live. All say, how hard it is that we have to die - a strange complaint to come from the mouths of people who have had to live All schools, all colleges, have two great functions: to confer, and to conceal, valuable knowledge. The theological knowledge which they conceal cannot justly be regarded as less valuable than that which they reveal. That is, when a man is buying a basket of strawberries it can profit him to know th All schools, all colleges, have two great functions: to confer, and to conceal, valuable knowledge. The theological knowledge which they conceal cannot justly be regarded as less valuable than that which they reveal. That is, when a man is buying a basket of strawberries it can profit him to know that the bottom half of it is rotten. All schools, all colleges, have two great functions: to confer, and to conceal, valuable knowledge. The theological knowledge which they conceal cannot justly be regarded as less valuable than that which they reveal. That is, when a man is buying a basket of strawberries it can profit him to know that the bottom half of it is rotten.1908, notebook All war must be just the killing of strangers against whom you feel no personal animosity; strangers whom, in other circumstances, you would help if you found them in trouble, and who would help you if you needed it All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure. All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure. Almost any man worthy of his salt would fight to defend his home, but no one ever heard of a man going to war for his boarding house Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more. Always do right - this will gratify some and astonish the rest. Always do right--this will gratify some and astonish the rest. message to Young People's Society, Greenpoint Presbyterian Church, Brooklyn, New York, February 16, 1901 Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. Always obey your parents - when they are present. Always tell the truth. That way, you don't have to remember what you said. Always tell the truth. That way, you don't have to remember what you said. An Englishman is a person who does things because they have been done before. An American is a person who does things because they haven't been done before. An honest man in politics shines more there than he would elsewhere An inglorious peace is better than a dishonorable war An occasional compliment is necessary to keep up one's self-respect And so I am become a knight of the Kingdom of Dreams and Shadows! Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured. Annihilation has no terrors for me, because I have already tried it before I was born /a hundred million years /and I have suffered more in an hour, in this life, than I remember to have suffered in the whole hundred million years put together. There was a peace, a serenity, an absence of all sense of responsibility, an absence of worry, an absence of care, grief, perplexity; and the presence of a deep content and unbroken satisfaction in that hundred million years of holiday which I look back upon with a tender longing and with a grateful desire to resume, when the opportunity comes. Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary. Any so-called material thing that you want is merely a symbol: you want it not for itself, but because it will content your spirit for the moment. Anybody can write the first line of a poem, but is a very difficult task to make the second line rhyme with the first Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today. Arguments have no chance against petrified training; they wear it as little as the waves wear a cliff. As an example to others, and not that I care for moderation myself, it has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep and never to refrain when awake. As to the adjective, when in doubt, strike it out. As to the Adjective; when in doubt, strike it out Baccarat is a game whereby the croupier gathers in money with a flexible sculling oar, then rakes it home. If I could have borrowed his oar I would have stayed. Barring that natural expression of villainy which we all have, the man looked honest enough. Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint. Be careless in your dress if you must, but keep a tidy soul. Be careless in your dress if you will, but keep a tidy soul. Be good and you will be lonely Be good and you will be lonesome Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any Be Yourself is about the worst advice you can give to people. Beautiful credit! The Foundation of modern society. Who shall say that this is not the golden age of mutual trust, of unlimited reliance upon human promises? That is a peculiar condition of society which enables a whole nation to instantly recognize point and meaning in the familiar newspaper anecdote, which puts into the mouth of a distinguished speculator in lands and mines this remark: -- ''I wasn't worth a cent two years ago, and now I owe two millions of dollars.'' Behold, the fool saith, Put not all thine eggs in the one basket, -- which is but a manner of saying, Scatter your money and your attention, but the wise man saith, Put all your eggs in the one basket and -- watch that basket. Better a broken promise than none at all. Biographies are but the clothes and buttons of a man - the biography of the man himself cannot be written Biographies are but the clothes and buttons of a man -- the biography of the man himself cannot be written. Biographies are but the clothes and buttons of the man - the biography of the man himself cannot be written. Books are for people who wish they were somewhere else. Both marriage and death ought to be welcome: the one promises happiness, doubtless the other assures it But that's always the way; it don't make no difference whether you do right or wrong, a person's conscience ain't got no sense, and just goes for him anyway. If I had a yaller dog that didn't know no more than a person's conscience does I would pison him. It takes up more room than all the rest of a person's insides, and yet ain't no good, nohow. But when the time comes that a man has had his dinner, then the true man comes to the surface. But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most? By his father he is English, by his mother he is American - to my mind the blend which makes the perfect man By the etiquette of war, it is permitted to none below the rank of newspaper correspondent to dictate to the general in the field By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity another man's, I mean By what right has the dog come to be regarded as a "noble" animal? The more brutal and cruel and unjust you are to him the more your fawning and adoring slave he becomes; whereas, if you shamefully misuse a cat once she will always maintain a dignified reserve toward you afterward--you will never get her full confidence again. Cast iron rules will not answer what is one man's colon is another man's comma Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. Change is the handmaiden Nature requires to do her miracles with Christianity will doubtless still survive in the earth ten centuries hence - stuffed and in a museum Circumstance - which moves by laws of its own, regardless of parties and policies, and whose decrees are final and must be obeyed by all - and will be Circumstances make man, not man circumstances. Citizenship is what makes a republic -- monarchies can get along without it. Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. Cold! If the thermometer had been an inch longer we'd have frozen to death. Comedy keeps the heart sweet. Conservatism is the blind and fear-filled worship of dead radicals Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear. Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear. Except a creature be part coward it is not a compliment to say it is brave. Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear. Crank ? a man with a new idea until it succeeds. Dance like nobody's watching; love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening; live like it's heaven on earth. Death is the starlit strip between the companionship of yesterday and the reunion of tomorrow Death, the refuge, the solace, the best and kindliest and most prized friend and benefactor of the erring, the forsaken, the old and weary and broken of heart December is the toughest month of the year. Others are July, January, September, Aprll, November, May, March, June, October, August, and February. Deep down in me I knowed it was a lie, and He knowed it. You can't pray a lie - I found that out. Delicacy - a sad, sad false delicacy - robs literature of the two best things among its belongings: Family-circle narratives and obscene stories Denial ain't just a river in Egypt. Describing her first day back in grade school after a long absence, a teacher said, It was like trying to hold 35 corks under water at the same time. Distance lends enchantment to the view Do not put off till tomorrow what can be put off till day-after-tomorrow just as well Do not tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't tell them where they know the fish Do something everyday that you don't want to do; this is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain. Do something everyday that you don't want to do; this is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain. Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest. Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain. Do your duty today and repent tomorrow Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. Don't go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing; it was here first Drag your thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it. Duties are not performed for duty's sake, but because their neglect would make the man uncomfortable. A man performs but one duty - the duty of contenting his spirit, the duty of making himself agreeable to himself. Each man is afraid of his neighbor's disapproval - a thing which, to the general run of the human race, is more dreaded than wolves and death Each man must for himself alone decide what is right and what is wrong, which course is patriotic and which isn't. You cannot shirk this and be a man. To decide against your conviction is to be an unqualified and excusable traitor, both to yourself and to your country, let me label you as they may. Each man must for himself alone decide what is right and what is wrong, which course is patriotic and which isn't. You cannot shirk this and be a man. To decide against your conviction is to be an unqualified and excusable traitor, both to yourself and to your country, let men label you as they may. Each of you, for himself, by himself and on his own responsibility, must speak. And it is a solemn and weighty responsibility, and not lightly to be flung aside at the bullying of pulpit, press, government, or the empty catchphrases of politicians. Each must for himself alone decide what is right and what is wrong, and which course is patriotic and which isn't. You cannot shirk this and be a man. To decide against your convictions is to be an unqualified and inexcusable traitor, both to yourself and to your country, let man label you as they may. If you alone of all the nation shall decide one way, and that way be the right way according to your convictions of the right, you have done your duty by yourself and by your country- hold up your head! You have nothing to be ashamed of. Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned. Education does not mean teaching people to know what they do not know; it means teaching them to behave as they do not behave. Education is the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty. Eloquence is the essential thing in a speech, not information Etiquette requires us to admire the human race Etiquette requires us to admire the human race. Even Noah got no salary for the first six months partly on account of the weather and partly because he was learning navigation. Every citizen of the republic ought to consider himself an unofficial policeman, and keep unsalaried watch and ward over the laws and their execution Every man is a moon; he has a side no one sees. Every one is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody Every time I reform in one direction I go overboard in another. Every time you stop a school, you will have to build a jail. What you gain at one end you lose at the other. It's like feeding a dog on his own tail. It won't fatten the dog. Every time you stop a school, you will have to build a jail. What you gain at one end you lose at the other. It's like feeding a dog on his own tail. It won't fatten the dog. Everyone is a moon and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody. Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody. Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven. Evolution is the law of policies: Darwin said it, Socrates endorsed it, Cuvier proved it and established it for all time in his paper on ''The Survival of the Fittest.'' These are illustrious names, this is a mighty doctrine: nothing can ever remove it from its firm base, nothing dissolve it, but evolution. Experience of life (not of books) is the only capital usable in such a book as you have attempted; one can make no judicious use of this capital while it is new Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable. Facts, or what a man believes to be facts, are always delightful - Get your facts first, and - then you can distort 'em as much as you please Faith is believing something you know ain't true. Fame is a vapor, popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion Familiarity breeds contempt - and children Familiarity breeds contempt - and children. Familiarity breeds contempt. How accurate that is. The reason we hold truth in such respect is because we have so little opportunity to get familiar with it. Few sinners are saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon. Few things are harder to put up with than a good example. Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't. Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't. Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't. Figures often beguile me, particularly when I have the arranging of them myself; in which case the remark attributed to Disraeli would often apply with justice and force: "There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics." First, God created idiots. That was just for practice. Then He created school boards. For all the talk you hear about knowledge being such a wonderful thing, instinct is worth forty of it for real unerringness For business reasons, I must preserve the outward signs of sanity. For the majority of us, the past is a regret, the future an experiment Forget and forgive. This is not difficult when properly understood. It means forget inconvenient duties, then forgive yourself for forgetting. By rigid practice and stern determination, it comes easy. Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heal that has crushed it. Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. Frankenstein took some flesh and bones and blood and made a man out of them; the man ran away and fell to raping and robbing and murdering everywhere, and Frankenstein was horrified and in despair, and said, "I made him, without asking his consent, and it makes me responsible for every crime he commits. I am the criminal, he is innocent." ... [That's exactly] the case of God and man... God made man, without man's consent, and made his nature, too; made it vicious instead of angelic, and then said, "Be angelic, or I will ill punish you and destroy you." But no matter, God is responsible for everything man does, all the same; He can't get around that fact. There is only one Criminal, and it is not man. Genius has no youth, but starts with the ripeness of age and old experience. Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live. Get your facts first, and then you can distort 'em as much as you please. Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times. Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. God has put somrthing noble and good into every heart His hand created. God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board God's great cosmic joke on the human race was requiring that men and women live together in marriage God, so atrocious in the Old Testament, so attractive in the New - the Jekyll and Hyde of sacred romance God: The most popular scapegoat for our sins. God: The most popular scapegoat for our sins. Going to law is losing a cow for the sake of a cat. Golf is a good walk spoiled. Good breeding consists of concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person. Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life. Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with. Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy must have somebody to divide it with. Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with. Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time. Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time. Had double chins all the way down to his stomach Half of the results of a good intentions are evil; half the results of an evil intention are good. Happiness is a Swedish sunset -- it is there for all, but most of us look the other way and lose it. Happiness is a Swedish sunset; it is there for all, but most of us look the other way and lose it. Hardly a man in the world has an opinion upon morals, politics or religion which he got otherwise than through his associations and sympathies. Broadly speaking, there are none but corn-pone opinions. And broadly speaking, Corn-Pone stands for Self-Approval. Self-approval is acquired mainly from the approval of other people. The result is Conformity. Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom. He does not care for flowers. Calls them rubbish, and cannot tell one from another, and thinks it is superior to feel like that. He goes by the brand, yet imagines he goes by the flavor. He gossips habitually; he lacks the common wisdom to keep still that deadly enemy of man, his own tongue He had discovered a great law of human action, without knowing it- namely, in order to make a man or a boy covet a thing, it is only necessary to make the thing difficult to attain He had only one vanity; he thought he could give advice better than any other person He is useless on top of the ground; he ought to be under it, inspiring the cabbages He liked to like people, therefore people liked him. He was a preacher, too... and never charged nothing for his preaching, and it was worth it, too. He was as shy as a newspaper is when referring to its own merits He was such a good man that people hated to see him coming. He would go to Halifax for half a chance to show off and he would go to hell for a whole one Heaven is by favor; if it were by merit your dog would go in and you would stay out. Heroine: girl who is perfectly charming to live with, in a book. His ignorance covered the whole earth like a blanket, and there was hardly a hole in it anywhere. His ignorance covers the world like a blanket, and there's scarcely a hole in it anywhere His money is twice tainted: 'taint yours and 'taint mine History doesn't repeat itself - at best it sometimes rhymes History doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme. History is strewn thick with evidence that a truth is not hard to kill, but a lie, well told, is immortal. Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it. How can we expect another to keep our secret if we have been unable to keep it ourselves? Human pride is not worthwhile; there is always something lying in wait to take the wind out of it Humor is mankind's greatest blessing. Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritation and resentments slip away, and a sunny spirit takes their place. Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place. Humor is tragedy plus time Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever. I admire the serene assurance of those who have religious faith. It is wonderful to observe the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces. I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened. I am different from Washington; I have a higher, grander standard of principle. Washington could not lie. I can lie, but I won't. I am glad the old masters are all dead, and I only wish they had died sooner. I am losing enough sleep to supply a worn-out army. I am not one of those who in expressing opinions confine themselves to facts I am not one of those who in expressing opinions confine themselves to facts. I am not the editor of a newspaper and shall always try to do right and be good so that God will not make me one I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. I am prepared to meet anyone, but whether anyone is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. I am pushing sixty. That is enough exercise for me. I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man's reasoning powers are not above the monkey's I asked Tom if countries always apologized when they had done wrong, and he says - "Yes; the little ones does I believe that our Heavenly Father invented man because he was disappointed in the monkey I believe that our Heavenly Father invented man because he was disappointed in the monkey. I can always tell which is the front end of a horse, but beyond that, my art is not above the ordinary. I can live for two months on a good compliment. I can speak French but I cannot understand it. I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life. The problem is that I can't find anybody who can tell me what they want. I can't do literary work for the rest of this year because I'm meditating another lawsuit and looking around for a defendant I cannot keep from talking, even at the risk of being instructive I cannot see how a man of any large degree of humorous perception can ever be religious - unless he purposely shut the eyes of his mind and keep them shut by force I did not attend his funeral, but I wrote a nice letter saying I approved of it I did not attend his funeral; but I wrote a nice letter saying I approved of it. I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead. I do not like work even when someone else does it I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell ? you see, I have friends in both places. I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way. I don't know anything about this man. Anyhow, I only know two things about him. One is, he has never been in jail, and the other is, I don't know why. I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell -- you see, I have friends in both places. I don't mind what the opposition say of me so long as they don't tell the truth about me. I find that the further I go back, the better things were, whether they happened or not. I have been cautioned to talk but be careful not to say anything. I do not consider this a difficult task. I have been studying the traits and dispositions of the I have been studying the traits and dispositions of the "lower animals" (so called) and contrasting them with the traits and dispositions of man. I find the result humiliating to me. I have been studying the traits and dispositions of the "lower animals" (so called) and contrasting them with the traits and dispositions of man. I find the result humiliating to me. I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them. I have found out there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them I have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened. I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. I have never let schooling interfere with my education. I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting. I have no color prejudices nor caste prejudices nor creed prejudices. All I care to know is that a man is a human being, and that is enough for me; he can't be any worse. I have studied it often, but I never could discover the plot I have told him all I know about it. And now he knows nothing about it himself. I have traveled more than any one else, and I have noticed that even the angels speak English with an accent I have witnessed and greatly enjoyed the first act of everything which Wagner created, but the effect on me has always been so powerful that one act was quite sufficient; whenever I have witnessed two acts I have gone away physically exhausted; and whenever I have ventured an entire opera the result has been the next thing to suicide. I haven't a particle of confidence in a man who has no redeeming vices I haven't heard anything like that since the orphanage burned down I like a good story well told. That is the reason I am sometimes forced to tell them myself. I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping. I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up. I never could keep a promise. I do not blame myself for this weakness, because the fault must lie in my physical organization. It is likely that such a very liberal amount of space was given to the organ which enables me to make promises that the organ which should enable me to keep them was crowded out. But I grieve not. I like no half-way things. I had rather have one faculty nobly developed than two faculties of mere ordinary capacity. I never let schooling interfere with my education. I notice that you use plain, simple language, short words and brief sentences. That is the way to write English - it is the modern way and the best way. Stick to it; don't let fluff and flowers and verbosity creep in. When you catch an adjective, kill it. No, I don't mean utterly, but kill most of them - then the rest will be valuable. They weaken when they are close together. They give strength when they are wide apart. An adjective habit, or a wordy, diffuse, flowery habit, once fastened upon a person, is as hard to get rid of as any other vice. I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately. I refused to attend his funeral. But I wrote a very nice letter explaining that I approved of it. I repeat, sir, that in whatever position you place a woman she is an ornament to society and a treasure to the world. As a sweetheart, she has few equals and no superiors; as a cousin, she is convenient; as a wealthy grandmother with an incurable distemper, she is precious; as a wet-nurse, she has no equal among men. What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce. I respect a man who knows how to spell a word more than one way I said there was but one solitary thing about the past worth remembering and that was the fact that it is past - and can't be restored I said there was nothing so convincing to an Indian as a general massacre. If he could not approve of the massacre, I said the next surest thing for an Indian was soap and education. Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run; because a half-massacred Indian may recover, but if you educate him and wash him, it is bound to finish him some time or other. I saw a cat yesterday with 4 legs and yet it was only a yellow cat, and rather small, too, for its size. They were not all fore legs several of them were hind legs; indeed almost a majority of them were. I shall never use profanity except in discussing house rent and taxes. I shall not often meddle with politics, because we have a political Editor who is already excellent and only needs to serve a term or two in the penitentiary to be perfect I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him. I urged that kings were dangerous. He said, then have cats. He was sure that a royal family of cats would answer every purpose. They would be as useful as any other royal family, they would know as much, they would have the same virtues and the same treacheries, the same disposition to get up shindies with other royal cats, they would be laughably vain and absurd and never know it, they would be wholly inexpensive, finally, they would have as sound a divine right as any other royal house...The worship of royalty being founded in unreason, these graceful and harmless cats would easily become as sacred as any other royalties, and indeed more so, because it would presently be noticed that they hanged nobody, beheaded nobody, imprisoned nobody, inflicted no cruelties or injustices of any sort, and so must be worthy of a deeper love and reverence than the customary human king, and would certainly get it. I was born excited. I was born modest; not all over, but in spots. I was exceedingly delighted with the waltz, and also with the polka. These differ in name, but there the difference ceases — the dances are precisely the same. You have only to spin around with frightful velocity and steer clear of the furniture. This has a charming and bewildering effect. You catch glimpses of a confused and whirling multitude of people, and above them a row of distracted fiddlers extending entirely around the room. The waltz and the polka are very exhilarating — to use a mild term — amazingly exhilarating. I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said, "I don't know." I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one. I was sorry to have my name mentioned among the great authors because they have a sad habit of dying off I was young and foolish then; now I am old and foolish I wonder how much it would take to buy a soap bubble, if there were only one in the world. I would rather go to bed with Lillian Russell stark naked than Ulysses S. Grant in full military regalia. I'm glad I did it, partly because it was worth it, but mostly because I shall never have to do it again I've come loaded with statistics, for I've noticed that a man can't prove anything without statistics If a person offends you, and you are in doubt as to whether it was intentional or not, do not resort to extreme measures; simply watch your chance and hit him with a brick. If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much. If Christ were here now there is one thing he would not be - a Christian If I were a heathen, I would rear a statue to energy, and fall down and worship it If I were required to guess off-hand, and without collusion with higher minds, what is the bottom cause of the amazing material and intellectual advancement of the last fifty years, I should guess that it was the modern-born and previously non-existent disposition on the part of men to believe that a new idea can have value. If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will answer, but if it is a Fact, proof is necessary If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man but deteriorate the cat. If the desire to kill and the opportunity to kill came always together, who would escape hanging? If there is a God, he is a malign thug If true, rarely beautiful. If beautiful, rarely true. If we should deal out justice only, in this world, who would escape? No, it is better to be generous, and in the end more profitable, for it gains gratitude for us, and love. If you beseech a blessing upon yourself, beware! lest without intent you invoke a curse upon a neighbor at the same time If you don't know where you're going, any road will get you there. If you don't read the newspaper, you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed. If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way. If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. That is the difference between dog and man. If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. If you should rear a duck in the heart of the Sahara, no doubt it would swim if you brought it to the Nile. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. Ignorance, intolerance, egotism, self-assertion, opaque perception, dense and pitiful chuckle headedness - and an almost pathetic unconsciousness of it all, that is what I was at nineteen and twenty Ignorant people think it is the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it is the sickening grammar that they use. Ignorant people think it is the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it is the sickening grammar that they use. Ignorant people think it's the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it's the sickening grammar they use In all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane. In Boston they ask, how much does he know? In New York, how much is he worth? In Philadelphia, who were his parents? In certain trying circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances, profanity furnishes a relief denied even to prayer. In his private heart no man much respects himself. In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy. In my age, as in my youth, night brings me many a deep remorse. I realize that from the cradle up I have been like the rest of the race - never quite sane in the night. In Nevada, for a time, the lawyer, the editor, the banker, the chief desperado, the chief gambler, and the saloon-keeper occupied the same level of society, and it was the highest. In our country, we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either. In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language In religion and politics people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination, from authorities who have not themselves examined the questions at issue but have taken them at second-hand from other In religion and politics people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination, from authorities who have not themselves examined the questions at issue but have taken them at second-hand from other non-examiners, whose opinions about them were not worth a brass farthing. Autobiography, 1959 In religion, India is the only millionaire - the One land that all men desire to see, and having seen once, by even a glimpse, would not give that glimpse for all the shows of all the rest of the globe combined In the beginning of a change, the patriot is a scarce man, and brave, and hated and scorned. When his cause succeeds, the timid join him, for then it costs nothing to be a patriot. In the beginning of a change, the Patriot is a scarce man, Brave, Hated, and Scorned. When his cause succeeds however,the timid join him, For then it costs nothing to be a Patriot. In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards. In the real world, nothing happens at the right place at the right time. It is the job of journalists and historians to correct that. In the real world, the right thing never happens in the right place and the right time. It is the job of journalists and historians to make it appear that it has. In the spring I have counted one hundred and thirty-six different kinds of weather inside of four and twenty hours. In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours. In writing, I shall always confine myself strictly to the truth, except when it is attended with inconvenience. Independence - is loyalty to one's best self and principles, and this is often disloyalty to the general idols and fetishes India is the cradle of the human race, the birthplace of human speech, the mother of history, the grandmother of legend, and the great grand mother of tradition. Our most valuable and most astrictive materials in the history of man are treasured up in India only! Intellectual ''work'' is misnamed; it is a pleasure, a dissipation, and is its own highest reward. Irreverence is the champion of liberty and its only sure defense Is it, perhaps, possible that there are two kinds of civilization one for home consumption and one for the heathen market? Is the Archbishop's blessing any more meaningful than the Politician's handshake? They come, they go, with bigger things than us on their minds. It ain't the parts of The Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand. It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so. It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly Native American criminal class except Congress. It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress. It has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain when awake It is a mistake that there is no bath that will cure people's manners, but drowning would help It is a time when one's spirit is subdued and sad, one knows not why; when the past seems a storm-swept desolation, life a vanity and a burden, and the future but a way to death. It is a wise child that knows its own father, and an unusual one that unreservedly approves of him It is at our mother's knee that we acquire our noblest and truest and highest ideals, but there is seldom any money in them. It is because they do not think at all; they only think they think. It is best to read the weather forecast before praying for rain It is best to read the weather forecast before praying for rain. It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them. It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not to deserve them. It is better to give than receive- especially advice It is better to have people think you a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt. It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected. It is by the Fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either. It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have these three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence to practice neither. It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them. It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either. It is by the goodness of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either. It is curious - curious that physical courage should be so common in the world, and moral courage so rare It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare. It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world, and moral courage so rare. It is discouraging to try to penetrate a mind like yours. You ought to get it out and dance on it. That would take some of the rigidity out of it. It is easier to stay out than get out. It is human to exaggerate the merits of the dead. It is more trouble to make a maxim than it is to do right It is my belief that nearly any invented quotation, played with confidence, stands a good chance to deceive. It is my heart-warmed and world-embracing Christmas hope and aspiration that all of us, the high, the low, the rich, the poor, the admired, the despised, the loved, the hated, the civilized, the savage (every man and brother of us all throughout the whole earth), may eventually be gathered together in a heaven of everlasting rest and peace and bliss, except the inventor of the telephone. It is no use to keep private information which you can't show off It is noble to be good; it is still nobler to teach others to be good - and less trouble. It is noble to teach oneself, but still nobler to teach others - and less trouble It is not best that we all should think alike, it is differences of opinion that make horse races. It is not best that we use our morals week days; it gets them out of repair for Sundays It is not likely that any complete life has ever been lived which was not a failure in the secret judgment of the person that lived it It is not worthwhile to try to keep history from repeating itself, for man's character will always make the preventing of the repetitions impossible It is often the case that the man who can't tell a lie thinks he is the best judge of one It is our nature to conform; it is a force which not many can successfully resist. What is its seat? The inborn requirement of self-approval. It is strange the way the ignorant and inexperienced so often and undeservedly succeed when the informed and experienced fail. It is the creator of wrong; wrong cannot exist until Moral Sense brings it into being It is very wearing to be good It is your human environment that makes climate It isn't so astonishing the number of things that I can remember, as the number of things that I can remember that aren't so. It may be called the master passion, the hunger for self-approval It takes me along time to lose my temper, but once lost I could not find it with a dog It takes your enemy and your friend, working together to hurt you to the heart; the one to slander you and the other to get the news to you It takes your enemy and your friend, working together, to hurt you to the heart: the one to slander you and the other to get the news to you. It used to take me all vacation to grow a new hide in place of the one they flogged off me during school term. It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. It was enough to make a body ashamed of the human race. It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it. It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse races. It's good sportsmanship not to pick up lost balls while they are still rolling. It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. It's a good idea to obey all the rules when you're young just so you'll have the strength to break them when you're old It's easy to quit smoking. I've done it hundreds of times. It's good sportsmanship not to pick up lost balls while they are still rolling It's good sportsmanship not to pick up lost balls while they are still rolling. It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense. It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog. It's spring fever. That is what the name of it is. And when you've got it, you want - oh, you don't quite know what it is you do want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so! It's spring fever.... You don't quite know what it is you DO want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so! Its easier to stay out than get out Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence. It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God. Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it. Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great. Keep away from those who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you believe that you too can become great. Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and blind can read. Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the and the blind can see Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear, and the blind can read Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see. Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement. Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister ... and now wish to withdraw that statement. Laughter is the greatest weapon we have and we, as humans, use it the least. Laughter without a tinge of philosophy is but a sneeze of humor. Genuine humor is replete with wisdom. Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one. Let me make the superstitions of a nation and I care not who makes its laws or its songs either Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed. Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed... Let us endeavor to live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry. Let us endeavor to live so that when we die even the undertaker will be sorry Let us endeavor to live, so that when we die, even the undertaker will be sorry. Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry. Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation. Let us not be too particular. It is better to have old second-hand diamonds than none at all. Let us not be too particular; it is better to have old secondhand diamonds than none at all Let us save the to-morrows for work Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry. Let us swear while we may, for in heaven it will not be allowed Let us swear while we may, for in Heaven it will not be allowed. Let your secret sympathies and your compassion be always with the under dog in the fight - this is magnanimity; but bet on the other one - this is business Life does not consist mainly, or even largely, of facts and happenings. It consists mainly of the storm of thought that is forever flowing through one's head. Life should begin with age and its privileges and accumulations, and end with youth and its capacity to splendidly enjoy such advantages. Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen. Lord save us all from... a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms. Love is a madness; if thwarted it develops fast. Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century. Loyalty to petrified opinion never broke a chain or freed a human soul. Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul. Loyalty to petrified opinions never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul in this world--and never will. Loyalty to the country always. Loyalty to the government when it deserves it. Make it a point to do something every day that you don't want to do. This is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain. Make it a point to do something every day that you don't want to do. This is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain. Man - a creature made at the end of the week's work when God was tired. Man is a Religious Animal. He is the only Religious Animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion - several of them. He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat if his theology isn't straight. He has made a graveyard of the globe in trying his honest best to smooth his brother's path to happiness and heaven. Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to. Man is the Only Animal that Blushes. Or needs to. Man is the only animal that deals in that atrocity of atrocities, War. He is the only one that gathers his brethren about him and goes forth in cold blood and calm pulse to exterminate his kind. He is the only animal that for sordid wages will march out... and help to slaughter strangers of his own species who have done him no harm and with whom he has no quarrel.... And in the intervals between campaigns he washes the blood off his hands and works for "the universal brotherhood of man" - with his mouth. Man is the only creature who has a nasty mind. Man is the religious animal. He is the only religious animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion –- several of them. He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat, if his theology isn't straight. He has made a graveyard of the globe in trying his honest best to smooth his brother's path to happiness and heaven. Man is the religious animal. He is the only religious animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion –- several of them. He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat, if his theology isn't straight. He has made a graveyard of the globe in trying his honest best to smooth his brother's path to happiness and heaven. Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired. Man was made at the end of the week's work, when God was tired Man will do many things to get himself loved; he will do all things to get himself envied Man will do many things to get himself loved; he will do all things to get himself envied. Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising. Many people have the reasoning facility, but no one uses it in religious matters. Many public-school children seem to know only two dates--1492 and 4th of July; and as a rule they don't know what happened on either occasion. Modesty died when clothes were born. Moralists and philosophers have adjudged those who throw temptation in the way of the erring, equally guilty with those who are thereby led into evil Morals are an acquirement - like music, like a foreign language, like piety, poker, paralysis - no man is born with them. Morals consist of political morals, commercial morals, ecclesiastical morals, and morals My advice to girls: first, don't smoke to excess; second, don't drink to excess; third, don't marry to excess. My books are water; those of great geniuses are wine everybody drinks water My books are water; those of the great geniuses are wine - everybody drinks water. My experience with Providence has not been of a nature to give me great confidence in his judgment, and I consider that my wife crept in while his attention was occupied elsewhere My kind of loyalty was loyalty to one's country, not to its institutions or its office-holders. My kind of loyalty was loyalty to one's country, not to... its office holders. My memory was never loaded with anything but blank cartridges. My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it. My mother had a slender, small body, but a large heart - a heart so large that everybody's joys found welcome in it, and hospitable accommodation. My own luck has been curious all my literary life; I never could tell a lie that anyone would doubt, not a truth that anybody would believe. Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident. Names are not always what they seem. The common Welsh name BZJXXLLWCP is pronounced Jackson. Nations do not think, they only feel. They get their feelings at second hand through their temperaments, not their brains. A nation can be brought / by force of circumstances, not argument / to reconcile itself to any kind of government or religion that can be devised; in time it will fit itself to the required conditions; later it will prefer them and will fiercely fight for them. Nature knows no indecencies; man invents them Nature knows no indecencies; man invents them. Necessity is the mother of "taking chances" Never do wrong when people are looking. Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. Never refuse to do a kindness unless the act would work great injury to yourself, and never refuse to take a drink- under any circumstances Never tell a lie except for practice. Never waste a lie; you never know when you may need it. No matter how healthy a man's morals may be when he enters the White House, he comes out again with a pot-marked soul No one is willing to acknowledge a fault in himself when a more agreeable motive can be found for the estrangement of his acquaintances No public interest is anything other or nobler than a massed accumulation of private interests. No sinner is ever saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon. Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid. Nothing helps scenery like ham and eggs. Nothing incites to money-crimes like great poverty or great wealth Nothing is made in vain, but the fly came near it Nothing seems to please a fly so much as to be taken for a currant, and if it can be baked in a cake and palmed off on the unwary, it dies happy. Nothing seems to please a fly so much as to be taken for a currant; and if it can be baked in a cake and palmed off on the unwary, it dies happy. Nothing so liberalizes a man and expands the kindly instincts that nature put in him as travel and contact with many kind of people Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits. Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits. Now and then we had a hope that if we lived and were good, God would permit us to be pirates O Lord our God, help us tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with their little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it. O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief... for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen. Obscurity and competence - that is the life that is best worth living October: This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in. The Others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February. October: This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in. The Others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February. Of all God's creatures there is only one that cannot be made the slave of the lash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with a cat it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat. Of all the animals, man is the only one that is cruel. He is the only one that inflicts pain for the pleasure of doing it Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most Of all the various kinds of sexual intercourse, this has the least to recommend it. As an amusement, it is too fleeting; as an occupation, it is too wearing; as a public exhibition, there is no money in it. It is unsuited to the drawing room, and in the most cultured society it has long been banished from the social board. It has at last, in our day of progress and improvement, been degraded to brotherhood with flatulence. Among the best bred, these two arts are now indulged only in private--- though by consent of the whole company, when only males are present, it is still permissible, in good society, to remove the embargo on the fundamental sigh. Of the delights of this world man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven. Of the delights of this world, man cares most for sexual intercourse. He will go to any length for it-risk Fortune, character, reputation, life itself. Of the demonstrably wise there are but two: those who commit suicide, and those who keep their reasoning faculties atrophied by drink. Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat. Often the surest way to convey misinformation is to tell the strict truth. Often, the surest way to convey misinformation is to tell the strict truth. Old habit of mind is one of the toughest things to get away from in the world. It transmits itself like physical form and feature . . . On Hawaii: The loveliest fleet of islands that lies anchored in any ocean On with dance, let joy be unconfined, is my Motto; whether there's any dance to dance or any joy to unconfined. Once you've put one of his [Henry James] books down, you simply can't pick it up again. One can enjoy a rainbow without necessarily forgetting the forces that made it One is apt to overestimate beauty when it is rare One learns through the heart, not the eyes or the intellect One mustn't criticize other people on grounds where he can't stand perpendicular himself One of life's most over-valued pleasures is sexual intercourse; of one of life's least appreciated pleasures in defecation. One of my theories is that the hearts of men are about alike, no matter what their skin color. One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. One of the proofs of the immortality of the soul is that myriads have believed it - they also believed the world was flat Only a government that is rich and safe can afford to be a democracy, for democracy is the most expensive and nefarious kind of government ever heard of on earth. Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial "we." Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet. Our best built certainties are but sand-houses and subject to damage from any wind of doubt that blows Our consciences take no notice of pain inflicted on others until it reaches a point where it gives pain to us. Our opinions do not really blossom into fruition until we have expressed them to someone else. Part of my plan has been to try to pleasantly remind adults of what they once were themselves, and of how they felt and thought and talked, and what queer enterprises they sometimes engaged in Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside. Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it. Peace by persuasion has a pleasant sound, but I think we should not be able to work it. We should have to tame the human race first, and history seems to show that that cannot be done. People born to be hanged are safe in water. Perseverance is a principle that should be commendable in those who have judgment to govern it Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author Pity is for the living, envy is for the dead Pity is for the living, envy is for the dead. Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling Poetry, like chastity, can be carried to far Principles aren't of much account anyway, except at election time. After that you hang them up to let them season. Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed. Probably nor'east to sou'west winds varying to the southard and westard and eastard and points between; high and low barometer, sweeping round from place to place; probably areas of rain, snow, heat and drought, succeeded or preceded by earth quakes Prophesy is a good line of business, but it is full of risks. Prosperity is the best protector of principle Providence protects children and idiots. I know because I have tested it. Public opinion is held in reverence. It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God. Really great people make you feel that you, too, can become great. Regarding New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. Religion consists of a set of things which the average man thinks he believes and wishes he was certain Remember the poor - it costs nothing Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late. Reputation is a hall-mark: it can remove doubt from pure silver, and it can also make the plated article pass for pure. Rise early. It is the early bird that catches the worm. Don't be fooled by this absurd saw; I once knew a man who tried it. He got up at sunrise and a horse bit him. Sacred cows make the best hamburger Sacred cows make the best hamburger. Sacred cows make the best hamburgers. Sane and intelligent human beings are like all other human beings, and carefully and cautiously and diligently conceal their private real opinions from the world and give out fictitious ones in their stead for general consumption. Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination. Say the report is exaggerated. Shut the door not that it lets in the cold but that it lets out the coziness. Sing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching, and live like its heaven on earth. Some men worship rank, some worship heroes, some worship power, some worship God, and over these ideals they dispute, but they all worship money. Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it. Sometimes my feelings are so hot that I have to take the pen and put them out on paper to keep them from setting me afire inside; then all that ink and labor are wasted because I can't print the results Sometimes people do get hurt Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough. Spirit has fifty times the strength and staying-power of brawn and muscle Stars are good too. I wish I could get some to put in my hair. But I suppose I never can. You would be surprised to find how far off they are, for they do not look it. When they first showed last night I tried to knock some down with a pole, but it didn't reach, which astonished me. Then I tried clods till I was all tired out, but I never got one. I did make some close shots, for I saw the black blot of the clod sail right into thee midst of the golden clusters forty or fifty times, just barely missing them, and if I could've held out a little longer, maybe I could've got one. Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very;" your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very;" your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. Such is the human race, often it seems a pity that Noah... didn't miss the boat. Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. Suppose you were an idiot...and suppose you were a member of Congress...but I repeat myself. Switzerland is simply a large, lumpy, solid rock with a thin skin of grass stretched over it. Thanksgiving Day, a function which originated in New England two or three centuries ago when those people recognized that they really had something to be thankful for - annually, not oftener - if they had succeeded in exterminating their neighbors, the Indians, during the previous twelve months instead of getting exterminated by their neighbors, the Indians. Thanksgiving Day became a habit, for the reason that in the course of time, as the years drifted on, it was perceived that the exterminating had ceased to be mutual and was all on the white man's side, consequently on the Lord's side; hence it was proper to thank the Lord for it and extend the usual annual compliments. That's the difference between governments and individuals. Governments don't care, individuals do. That's what an army is - a mob; they don't fight with courage that's born in them, but with courage that's borrowed from their mass, and from their officers. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, The air up there in the clouds is very pure and fine, bracing and delicious. And why shouldn't it be? - it is the same the angels breathe. The altar cloth of one aeon is the doormat of the next The average American's simplest and commonest form of breakfast consists of coffee and beefsteak. The average man don't like trouble and danger. The best defense against logic is ignorance. The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer someone else up. The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up. The blunting effects of slavery upon the slaveholder's moral perceptions are known and conceded the world over; and a priveleged class, an aristocracy, is but a band of slaveholders under another name. The calamity that comes is never the one we had prepared ourselves for The cat, having sat upon a hot stove lid, will not sit upon a hot stove lid again. But he won't sit upon a cold stove lid, either. The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes. The church is always trying to get other people to reform; it might not be a bad idea to reform itself a little, by way of example The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco. The conviction of the rich that the poor are happier is no more foolish than the conviction of the poor that the rich are The critic's symbol should be the tumble-bug: he deposits his egg in somebody else's dung, otherwise he could not hatch it The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug. The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven, not man's. The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven, not man's The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven, not man's. The educated Southerner has no use for an 'R', except at the beginning of a word. The existing phrasebooks are inadequate. They are well enough as far as they go, but when you fall down and skin your leg they don't tell you what to say. The fact that man knows right from wrong proves his intellectual superiority to other creatures; but the fact that he can do wrong proves his moral inferiority to any creature that cannot. The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time. The first half of life consists of the capacity to enjoy without the chance; the last half consists of the chance without the capacity. The first half of life consists of the capacity to enjoy without the chance; the last half of life consists of the chance without the capacity The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year. The Ganges front is the supreme showplace of Benares. Its tall bluffs are solidly caked from water to summit, along a stretch of three miles, with a splendid jumble of massive and picturesque masonry, a bewildering and beautiful confusion of stone platforms, temples, stair flights, rich and stately palaces....soaring stairways, sculptured temples, majestic palaces, softening away into the distances; and there is movement, motion, human life everywhere, and brilliantly costumed - streaming in rainbows up and down the lofty stairways, and massed in metaphorical gardens on the mile of great platforms at the river's edge. The government is merely a servant -- merely a temporary servant; it cannot be its prerogative to determine what is right and what is wrong, and decide who is a patriot and who isn't. Its function is to obey orders, not originate them. The highest perfection of politeness is only a beautiful edifice, built, from the base to the dome, of ungraceful and gilded forms of charitable and unselfish lying. The highest pleasure to be got out of freedom, and having nothing to do, is labor The history of our race, and each individual's experience, are sown thick with evidence that a truth is not hard to kill and that a lie told well is immortal. The history of our race, and each individual's experience, are sown thick with evidence that a truth is not hard to kill and that a lie told well is immortal. The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole life - time, if not asked to lend money The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money. The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring in nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money. The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. The human race has only one really effective weapon and that is laughter. The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner. The humorous story is American, the comic story is English, the witty story is French. The humorous story depends for its effect upon the manner of the telling; the comic story and the witty story upon the matter. The idea that no gentleman ever swears is all wrong. He can swear and still be a gentleman if he does it in a nice and benevolent and affectionate way. The inventor of their heaven empties into it all the nations of the earth, in one common jumble. All are on an equality absolute, no one of them ranking another; they have to be "brothers"; they have to mix together, pray together, harp together, hosannah together--whites, niggers, Jews, everybody--there's no distinction. Here in the earth all nations hate each other, and every one of them hates the Jew. Yet every pious person adores that heaven and wants to get into it. He really does. And when he is in a holy rapture he thinks he thinks that if he were only there he would take all the populace to his heart, and hug, and hug, and hug! Letters from the Earth The kernel, the soul - let us go further and say the substance, the bulk, the actual and valuable material of all human utterances - is plagiarism The kingly office is entitled to no respect. It was originally procured by the highwayman's methods; it remains a perpetuated crime, can never be anything but the symbol of a crime. It is no more entitled to respect than is the flag of a pirate. The law of God, as quite plainly expressed in woman's construction, is this: There shall be no limit put upon your intercourse with the other sex sexually, at any time of life. During twenty-three days in every month (in the absence of pregnancy) from the time a woman is seven years old till she dies of old age, she is ready for action, and competent. As competent as the candlestick is to receive the candle. Competent every day, competent every night. Also, she wants that candle / yearns for it, longs for it, hankers after it, as commanded by the law of God in her heart. The main difference between a cat and a lie is that a cat only has nine lives. The man who carries a cat by the tail learns something that can be learned in no other way. The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them. The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them. The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them. The man who is a pessimist before forty-eight knows too much; if he is an optimist after it he knows too little The miracle, or the power, that elevates the few is to be found in their industry, application, and perseverance under the prompting of a brave, determined spirit. The miracle, or the power, that elevates the few is to be found in their industry, application, and perseverance under the promptings of a brave, determined spirit. The more you explain it, the more I don't understand it The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop The nation is divided, half patriots and half traitors, and no man can tell which from which. The new political gospel: Public office is private graft The newspaper that obstructs the law on a trivial pretext, for money's sake, is a dangerous enemy to the public weal. That awful power, the public opinion of a nation, is created in America by a horde of ignorant, self-complacent simpletons who failed at ditching and shoemaking and fetched up in journalism on their way to the poorhouse. The old saw says, "Let a sleeping dog lie." Right. Still, when there is much at stake it is better to get a newspaper to do it. The older we grow the greater becomes our wonder at how much ignorance one can contain without bursting one's clothes The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not. The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. The ordinary chestnut can beget a sickly and reluctant laugh, but it takes a horse chestnut to fetch the gorgeous big horse-laugh The ordinary reverence, the reverence defined and explained by the dictionary, costs nothing. Reverence for one's own sacred things--parents, religion, flag, laws and respect for one's own beliefs--these are feelings which we cannot even help. They come natural to us; they are involuntary, like breathing. There is no personal merit in breathing. But the reverence which is difficult, and which has personal merit in it, is the respect which you pay, without compulsion, to the political or religious attitude of a man whose beliefs are not yours. You can't revere his gods or his politics, and no one expects you to do that, but you could respect his belief in them if you tried hard enough; and you could respect him, too, if you tried hard enough. But it is very, very difficult; it is next to impossible, and so we hardly ever try. If the man doesn't believe as we do, we say he is a crank, and that settles it. I mean it does nowadays, because we can't burn him. The past may not repeat itself, but it sure does rhyme The pause-that impressive silence, that eloquent silence, that geometrically progressive silence, which often achieves a desired effect where no combination of words, howsoever felicitous, could accomplish it The people of those foreign countries are very, very ignorant. They looked curiously at the costumes we had brought from the wilds of America. They observed that we talked loudly at table sometimes. They noticed that we looked out for expenses and got what we conveniently could out of a franc, and wondered where in the mischief we came from. In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to them in French! We never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language. The people stared at us everywhere, and we stared at them. We bore down on them with America's greatness until we crushed them. The perfection of wisdom, and the end of true philosophy is to proportion our wants to our possessions, our ambitions to our capacities, we will then be a happy and a virtuous people. The plan of the newspaper is good and wise; when you can't get a compliment any other way, pay yourself one The poetry is all in the anticipation, for there is none in reality The political and commercial morals of the United States are not merely food for laughter, they are an entire banquet The political and commercial morals of the United States are not merely food for laughter, they are an entire banquet. The principle of give and take is the principle of diplomacy - give one and take ten The principle of give and take is the principle of diplomacy - give one and take ten. The problem is not that we have too many fools, it's that the lightning isn't distributed right. The proper office of a friend is to side with you when you are in the wrong The proper office of a friend is to side with you when you are wrong. Nearly anybody will side with you when you are right. The Public is merely a multiplied "me." The public is the only critic whose opinion is worth anything at all The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out the conservative adopts them. The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out, the conservative adopts them. The rain is famous for falling on the just and unjust alike, but if I had the management of such affairs I would rain softly and sweetly on the just, but if I caught a sample of the unjust out doors I would drown him The report of my death was an exaggeration. The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause. The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane. the rumors of the White Sox demise are greatly exaggerated. The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one. The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven. The secret source of humour itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humour in heaven. The so-called Christian nations are the most enlightened and progressive, but in spite of their religion, not because of it The system of refusing the mere act of drinking and leaving the desire in full force, is unintelligent war tactics, it seems to me The time to begin writing an article is when you have finished it to your satisfaction. By that time you begin to clearly and logically perceive what it is you really want to say. The time to begin writing an article is when you have finished it to your satisfaction. By that time you begin to clearly and logically perceive what it is you really want to say. The trade of critic, in literature, music, and the drama, is the most degraded of all trades The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right. The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right. The trouble with you Chicago people is that you think you are the best people down here, whereas you are merely the most numerous. The true charm of pedestrianism does not lie in the walking, or in the scenery, but in the talking. The walking is good to time the movement of the tongue by, and to keep the blood and the brain stirred up and active; the scenery and the woodsy smells are good to bear in upon a man an unconscious and unobtrusive charm and solace to eye and soul and sense; but the supreme pleasure comes from the talk. The unexamined life may not be worth living, but the life too closely examined may not be lived at all. The universal brotherhood of man is our most precious possession. The vast majority of the race, whether savage or civilized, are secretly kind-hearted and shrink from inflicting pain, but in the presence of the aggressive and pitiless minority they don't dare to assert themselves. The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice. The waves most washed me off the raft sometimes, but I hadn't any clothes on, and didn't mind. The way it is now, the asylums can hold all the sane people but if we tried to shut up the insane we should run out of building materials The weakest of all weak things is a virtue that has not been tested in the fire The work that is really a man's own work is play and not work at all. The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself. The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself. Then away out in the woods I heard that kind of a sound that a ghost makes when it wants to tell about something that's on its mind and can't make itself understood, and so can't rest easy in its grave, and has to go about that way every night grieving. There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded. There are few things that are so unpardonably neglected in our country as poker. The upper class knows very little about it. Now and then you find ambassadors who have sort of a general knowledge of the game, but the ignorance of the people is fearful. Why, I have known clergymen, good men, kind-hearted, liberal, sincere, and all that, who did not know the meaning of a "flush." It is enough to make one ashamed of the species. There are German songs which can make a stranger to the language cry. There are laws to protect the freedom of the press's speech, but none that are worth anything to protect the people from the press There are lies, damned lies and statistics. There are many humorous things in the world, among them the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages There are many humorous things in the world, among them the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages. There are many scapegoats for our sins, but the most popular one is Providence. There are no grades of vanity, there are only grades of ability in concealing it There are no grades of vanity, there are only grades of ability in concealing it. There are no mistakes in life, there are only lessons to be learned: Adivce to the Youth. There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one: keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy There are people who strictly deprive themselves of each and every eatable, drinkable, and smokable which has in any way acquired a shady reputation. They pay this price for health. And health is all they get for it. How strange it is. It is like paying out your whole Fortune for a cow that has gone dry. There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice. There are several good protections against temptations, but the surest is cowardice. There are some books that refuse to be written. They stand their ground year after year and will not be persuaded. It isn't because the book is not there and worth being written -- it is only because the right form of the story does not present itself. There is only one right form for a story and if you fail to find that form the story will not tell itself. There are those who would misteach us that to stick in a rut is consistency- and a virtue; and that to climb out of the rut is inconsistency- and a vice There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics. There are two forces that can carry light to all corners of the globe - the sun in the heavens and The Associated Press down here There comes a time in every rightly constructed boy's life that he has a raging desire to go somewhere and dig for hidden treasure There has been only one Christian. They caught and crucified him early. There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable. There is a good side and a bad side to most people, and in accordance with your own character and disposition you will bring out one of them and the other will remain a sealed book to you There is a lot to say in her favor, but the other is more interesting. There is more real pleasure to be gotten out of a malicious act, where your heart is in it, than out of thirty acts of a nobler sort. There is no end to the laws, and no beginning to the execution of them There is no God, no universe, no human race, no earthly life, no heaven, no hell. It is all a dream, a grotesque and foolish dream. Nothing exists but you. And you are but a thought --a vagrant thought, a useless thought, a homeless thought, wandering forlorn among the empty eternities! There is no other life; life itself is only a vision and a dream for nothing exists but space and you. If there was an all-powerful God, he would have made all good, and no bad. There is no primary or authoritative source for this in Twain's known writings or speeches. There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist. There is no security in life, only opportunity. There is no such thing as ''the Queen's English'.' The property has gone into the hands of a joint stock company and we own the bulk of the shares! There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land (and work) again after a cheerful, careless voyage There is nothing like instances to grow hair on a bald-headed argument. There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you're busy interrupting. There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you're busy interrupting. There is nothing that saps one's confidence as the knowing how to do a thing There is nothing training cannot do. Nothing is above its reach. It can turn bad morals to good; it can destroy bad principles and recreate good ones; it can lift men to angelship. There is nothing you can say in answer to a compliment. I have been complimented myself a great many times, and they always embarrass me --I always feel that they have not said enough. There is nothing you can say in answer to a compliment. I have been complimented myself a great many times, and they always embarrass me--I always feel that they have not said enough. There is probably no pleasure equal to the pleasure of climbing a dangerous Alp; but it is a pleasure which is confined strictly to people who can find pleasure in it There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. There isn't anything you can't stand, if you are only born and bred to it There was never a century nor a country that was short of experts who knew the Deity's mind and were willing to reveal it. There was never yet an uninteresting life. Such a thing is an impossibility. Inside of the dullest exterior there is a drama, a comedy and a tragedy. There's a good spot tucked away somewhere in everybody. You'll be a long time finding it, sometimes. Therein lies the defect of revenge: it's all in the anticipation; the thing itself is a pain, not a pleasure; at least the pain is the biggest end of it. Therein lies the defect of revenge: it's all in the anticipation; the thing itself is a pain, not a pleasure; at least the pain is the biggest end of it. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four. This old stone tower was very massive--and rather ruinous, too, for it was Roman, and four hundred years old. Yes, and handsome, after a rude fashion, and clothed with ivy from base to summit, as with a shirt of scale mail. Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered - either by themselves or by others. Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered -- either by themselves or by others. Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does all the work Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work. Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is the lightning that does the work. Time and tide wait for no man. A pompous and self-satisfied proverb, and was true for a billion years; but in our day of electric wires and water-ballast we turn it around: Man waits not for time nor tide. Time cools, time clarifies; no mood can be maintained quite unaltered through the course of hours. To arrive at a just estimate of a renowned man's character one must judge it by the standards of his time, not ours. To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble. To believe yourself brave is to be brave; it is the one only essential thing To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times. To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know, I've done it a thousand times. To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did; I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times. To create man was a quaint and original idea, but to add the sheep was tautology To do something, say something, see something, before anybody else - these are things that confer a pleasure compared with which other pleasures are tame and commonplace, other cheap and trivial To get the right word in the right place is a rare achievement. To condense the diffused light of a page of thought into the luminous flash of a single sentence, is worthy to rank as a prize composition just by itself...Anybody can have ideas--the difficulty is to express them without squandering a quire of paper on an idea that ought to be reduced to one glittering paragraph. To promise not to do a thing is the surest way in the world to make a body want to go and do that very thing To promise not to do a thing is the surest way in the world to make a body want to go and do that very thing. To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence. Too much of anything is bad, but too much of good whiskey is barely enough. Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. Travel has no longer any charm for me. I have seen all the foreign countries I want to except for heaven and hell, and I have only a vague curiosity as concerns one of those. Travel has no longer any charm for me. I have seen all the foreign countries I want to except heaven & hell & I have only a vague curiosity about one of those. Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness. Broad, wholesome, charitable views cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth. Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime. Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness. Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing the matter with this, except that it ain't so. Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing the matter with this, except that it ain't so. Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain't so. Truth is more of a stranger than fiction. Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't. Truth is the most valuable thing we have, so I try to conserve it. Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it. Truth is tough. It will not break, like a bubble, at a touch; nay, you may kick it about all day, like a football, and it will be round and full at evening. Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer. Use the right word and not its second cousin Virtue has never been as respectable as money Wagner's music is better than it sounds. Wagner's music is better than it sounds. War talk by men who have been in a war is always interesting; whereas moon talk by a poet who has not been in the moon is likely to be dull Warm summer sun, shine kindly here. Warm southern wind, blow softly here. Green sod above, lie light, lie light. Good night, dear Heart, Good night, good night. Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody. We adore titles and heredities in our hearts and ridicule them with our mouths. This is our democratic privilege. We all do no end of feeling, and we mistake it for thinking We all live in the protection of certain cowardices which we call our principles. We are all alike on the inside We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess. We are always too busy for our children; we never give them the time or interest they deserve. We lavish gifts upon them; but the most precious gift, our personal association, which means so much to them, we give grudgingly. We are chameleons, and our partialities and prejudices change place with an easy and blessed facility, and we are soon wonted to the change and happy in it. We are discreet sheep; we wait to see how the drove is going, and then go with the drove We are discreet sheep; we wait to see how the drove is going, and then go with the drove. We can secure other people's approval, if we do right and try hard; but our own is worth a hundred of it, and no way has been found out of securing that We can't reach old age by another man's road. My habits protect my life but they would assassinate you. We consider that any man who can fiddle all through one of those Virginia Reels without losing his grip, may be depended upon in any kind of musical emergency. We could use up two Eternities in learning all that is to be learned about our own world and the thousands of nations that have arisen and flourished and vanished from it. Mathematics alone would occupy me eight million years. We despise all reverences and all objects of reverence which are outside the pale of our list of sacred things and yet, with strange inconsistency, we are shocked when other people despise and defile the things which are holy for us We do not deal much in facts when we are contemplating ourselves We do not deal much in facts when we are contemplating ourselves. We get our morals from books. I didn't get mine from books, but I know that morals do come from books theoretically, at least. We had the sky up there, and we used to lay on our backs and look up at them, and discuss whether they was made or just happened. We have nine children now half boys and half girls. We have not the reverent feeling for the rainbow that a savage has, because we know how it is made. We have lost as much as we gained by prying into that matter. We have pacified some thousands of the islanders and buried them; destroyed their fields; burned their villages, and turned their widows and orphans out-of-doors; furnished heartbreak by exile to some dozens of disagreeable patriots; subjugated the remaining 10 millions by Benevolent Assimilation, which is the pious new name of the musket. And so, by these Providences of God -- and the phrase is the government's, not mine -- we are a World Power. We have the best government that money can buy. We may not pay Satan reverence, for that would be indiscreet, but we can at least respect his talent We may not pay Satan reverence, for that would be indiscreet, but we can at least respect his talents. We must annex those people. We can afflict them with our wise and beneficent government. We can introduce the novelty of thieves, all the way up from street-car pickpockets to municipal robbers and Government defaulters, and show them how amusing it is to arrest them and try them and then turn them loose -- some for cash and some for ''political influence.'' We can make them ashamed of their simple and primitive justice. We can make that little bunch of sleepy islands the hottest corner on earth, and array it in the moral splendor of our high and holy civilization. Annexation is what the poor islanders need. ''Shall we to men benighted, the lamp of life deny?'' We must put up with clothes as they are they have their reason for existing. They are on us to expose us to advertise what we wear them to conceal. We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore. We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it / and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again / and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore. We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it and stop there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again, and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore. We [Americans] are the lavishest and showiest and most luxury-loving people on the earth; and at our masthead we fly one true and honest symbol, the gaudiest flag the world has ever seen. Well enough for old folks to rise early, because they have done so many mean things all their lives they can't sleep anyhow. What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing he knew nobody had said it before. What a hero Tom was become now! He did not go skipping and prancing, but moved with a dignified swagger as became a pirate who felt that the public eye was on him. What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself What are the proper proportions of a maxim? A minimum of sound to a maximum of sense. What do you call love, hate, charity, revenge, humanity, magnanimity, forgiveness? Different results of the one master impulse: the necessity of securing one's self-approval What is human life? The first third a good time; the rest remembering about it What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin. What is the most rigorous law of our being? Growth. No smallest atom of our moral, mental, or physical structure can stand still a year. It grows / it must grow; nothing can prevent it. What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light. What work I have done I have done because it has been play. If it had been work I shouldn't have done it. What work I have done I have done because it has been play. If it had been work I shouldn't have done it. Who was it who said, "Blessed is the man who has found his work"? Whoever it was he had the right idea in his mind. Mark you, he says his work--not somebody else's work. The work that is really a man's own work is play and not work at all. Cursed is the man who has found some other man's work and cannot lose it. When we talk about the great workers of the world we really mean the great players of the world. The fellows who groan and sweat under the weary load of toil that they bear never can hope to do anything great. How can they when their souls are in a ferment of revolt against the employment of their hands and brains? The product of slavery, intellectual or physical, can never be great. What would men be without women? Scarce, sir ... mighty scarce. What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. What's the use you learning to do right, when it's troublesome to do right and ain't no trouble to do wrong, and the wages is just the same? What, then, is the true Gospel of consistency? Change. Who is the really consistent man? The man who changes. Since change is the law of his being, he cannot be consistent if he stick in a rut. Whatever a man's age, he can reduce it several years by putting a bright-colored flower in his button-hole. Whatever you say, say it with conviction When a man arrives at great prosperity God did it: when he falls into disaster he did it himself When a man's dog turns against him it is time for a wife to pack her trunk and go home to mama When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people. When angry count to four; when very angry, swear. When angry, count four; when very angry, swear When angry, count four; when very angry, swear. When angry, count to four. When very angry, swear. When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years. When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years. When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years. When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years. When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years. When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he'd learned in seven years. When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not. When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not. When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to do it. When in doubt, tell the truth. When one reads Bibles, one is less surprised at what the Deity knows than at what He doesn't know When one's character begins to fall under suspicion and disfavor, how Swift, then, is the work of disintegration and destruction When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself When red headed people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn. When red-haired people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn When the doctrine of allegiance to party can utterly up-end a man's moral constitution and make a temporary fool of him besides, what excuse are you going to offer for preaching it, teaching it, extending it, perpetuating it? Shall you say, the best good of the country demands allegiance to party? Shall you also say it demands that a man kick his truth and his conscience into the gutter, and become a mouthing lunatic, besides? When the human race has once acquired a supersitition nothing short of death is ever likely to remove it. When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries of life disappear and life stands explained. When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain When your watch gets out of order you have choice of two things to do: throw it in the fire or take it to the watch-tinker. The former is the quickest. Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform. Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect. Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect. Wherefore being all of one mind, we do highly resolve that government of the grafted by the grafter for the grafter shall not perish from the earth. While the rest of the species is descended from apes, redheads are descended from cats. Whiskey is carried into committee rooms in demijohns and carried out in demagogues. Who prays for Satan? Who, in 1,800 years, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most? Whoever is happy will make others happy, too. Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? Is it because we are not the person involved? Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense. Why was the human race created? Or at least why wasn't something creditable created in place of it? God had His opportunity. He could have made a reputation. But no, He must commit this grotesque folly -- a lark which must have cost Him a regret or two when He came to think it over and observe effects. Wine is a clog to the pen, not an inspiration Wit and Humor -- if any difference, it is in duration -- lightning and electric light. Same material, apparently; but one is vivid, and can do damage -- the other fools along and enjoys elaboration. Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their union were not perceived to have any relation. With ignorance and arrogance, success is assured. Words are only painted fire; a look is the fire itself Work and play are words used to describe the same thing under differing conditions Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do. Work is a necessary evil to be avoided. Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. Write without pay until somebody offers to pay you. If nobody offers within three years, sawing wood is what you were intended for. Yes, Agassiz does recommend authors to eat fish, because the phosphorus in it makes brain. So far you are correct. But I cannot help you to a decision about the amount you need to eat - at least, not with certainty. If the specimen composition you send is about your fair usual average, I should judge that a couple of whales would be all you would want for the present. Not the largest kind, but simply good middling-sized whales. Yes, Agassiz does recommend authors to eat fish, because the phosphorus in it makes brain. So far you are correct. But I cannot help you to a decision about the amount you need to eat - at least, not with certainty. If the specimen composition you send is about your fair usual average, I should judge that a couple of whales would be all you would want for the present. Not the largest kind, but simply good middling-sized whales. Yes, even I am dishonest. Not in many ways, but in some. Forty-one I think it is. Yes, you are right - I am a moralist in disguise; it gets me into heaps of trouble when I go thrashing around in political questions You are a coward when you even seem to have backed down from a thing you openly set out to do You can straighten a worm, but the crook is in him and only waiting You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. You can't depend on your judgment when your imagination is out of focus You can't reason with the heart; it has its own laws, and thumps about things which the intellect scorns. You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. You may have noticed that the less I know about a subject the more confidence I have, and the more new light I throw on it. You ought never to "sass" old people- unless they "sass" you first You take the lies out of him, and he'll shrink to the size of your hat; you take the malice out of him, and he'll disappear Youth is wonderful. It's a shame to waste it on the young.