| A child of one can be taught not to do certain things such as touch a hot stove, turn on the gas, pull lamps off their tables by their cords, or wake mommy before noon Joan Rivers |
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| A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp. Joan Rivers Remarks |
| A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp. Joan Rivers |
| Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hurt, bitterness, grief, and, most of all, fear Joan Rivers Adages |
| Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer. Joan Rivers Adages |
| Can we talk? Joan Rivers Quotes |
| Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you. Joan Rivers |
| Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum - "My God, the floor's immaculate. Lie down, you hot bitch." Joan Rivers |
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| Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise. Joan Rivers |
| Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'. Joan Rivers |
| I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. Joan Rivers |
| I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. Joan Rivers |
| I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are. Joan Rivers Adages |
| I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Joan Rivers Remarks |
| I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, "Get the hell off my property." Joan Rivers Sayings |
| I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, "Get the hell off my property." Joan Rivers |
| I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor. Joan Rivers Popular Quotes |
| Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds. Joan Rivers Quotes |
| It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom. Joan Rivers |
| My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. Joan Rivers Remarks |
| My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know. Joan Rivers Popular Quotes |
| My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy. Joan Rivers |
| No steam or gas ever drives anything until it is confined. No Niagara is ever turned into light and power until it is tunneled. No life ever grows until it is focused, dedicated, disciplined. Joan Rivers |
| Once you begin to believe there is help "out there," you will know it to be true. Joan Rivers Quotes |
| Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top. Joan Rivers |
| People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. Joan Rivers |
| Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television. Joan Rivers Quotes |
| There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl. Joan Rivers |
| What a pathetic turn, ... Somebody ought to take that dress away from her. It's got Ronald McDonald's name on it. Joan Rivers Remarks |
| Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present. Joan Rivers Popular Quotes |
| [Calling him a] son of a b, ... Don't you dare call me a racist! I want an apology from you. Joan Rivers |
