| A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke. Jack Handy |
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| A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby." Jack Handy Adages |
| Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition. Jack Handy Popular Quotes |
| And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep. Jack Handy |
| Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think. Jack Handy |
| Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing. Jack Handy Adages |
| As a young boy, when you get splashed by a mud puddle on the way to school, you wonder if you should go home and change, but be late for school, or go to school the way you are; dirty and soaking wet. Well, while he tried to decide, I drove by and splashed him again. Jack Handy Popular Quotes |
| As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD! Jack Handy |
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| As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint. Jack Handy Quotations |
| Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up Jack Handy |
| Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me? Jack Handy Sayings |
| Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling. Jack Handy |
| Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff. Jack Handy |
| Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. Jack Handy |
| During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner." Jack Handy |
| Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man." Jack Handy |
| Folks still remember the day ole Bob Riley came bouncing down that dirt road in his pickup. Pretty soon, it was bouncing higher and higher. The tires popped, and the shocks broke, but that truck kept bouncing. Some say it bounced clean over the moon, but whoever says that is a goddamn liar. Jack Handy |
| Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, "Okay, is everybody ready to start now?". Jack Handy |
| I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex. Jack Handy Popular Quotes |
| I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh. Jack Handy |
| I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do. Jack Handy Adages |
| I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death. Jack Handy |
| I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like "Tornado got Old Yeller, stay in the cellar." Jack Handy Quotations |
| I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye. Jack Handy |
| I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!" Jack Handy Popular Quotes |
| I bet when neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, 'Don't forget the thick, heavy brows.' Then they would get all embarrassed because they remembered they had the big husky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman. Jack Handy Sayings |
| I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap! Jack Handy |
| I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system. Jack Handy Remarks |
| I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet. Jack Handy Adages |
| I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any other. I myself have been guilty of this. When I was a teenager, I stole a car and drove it out into the desert and set it on fire. When the police showed up, I just shrugged and said, "Hey, progress." Boy, did I have a lot to learn. Jack Handy Quotes |
| I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary Bumper Sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob." Jack Handy Quotes |
| I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even if he does, because it could hurt his feelings. So instead, I call it a "speech improvement", and I go up to the guy and say, "Hey, Bob, I like your speech improvement." I think this makes him feel better. Jack Handy |
| I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled up tobacco leaves Jack Handy Remarks |
| I hope if dogs take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas. Jack Handy |
| I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it. Jack Handy Popular Quotes |
| I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching. Jack Handy Quotations |
| I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money." Jack Handy Popular Quotes |
| I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people. Jack Handy Adages |
| I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins. Jack Handy |
| I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint. Jack Handy Quotations |
| I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story. Jack Handy |
| I think a good product would be Baby Duck Hat. It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live) Jack Handy Remarks |
| I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks. Jack Handy |
| I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur. Jack Handy Quotes |
| I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality. Jack Handy |
| I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend Jack Handy |
| I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you. Jack Handy |
| I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect." Jack Handy Quotes |
| I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back. Jack Handy |
| I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy - something like that. Jack Handy |
| If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did." Jack Handy Quotations |
| If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting Jack Handy Popular Quotes |
| If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way. Jack Handy Quotations |
| If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink. Jack Handy Sayings |
| If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat). Jack Handy |
| If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the storm, and he showed up at your door when the storm was finally over, I think a good name for him would be Carl. Jack Handy |
| If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you should have to assume sort of a walking shape so as not to frighten the dogs. Jack Handy Adages |
| If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. Jack Handy |
| If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward. Jack Handy Adages |
| If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic. Jack Handy Adages |
| If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic. Jack Handy |
| If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you. Jack Handy |
| If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy. Jack Handy Quotations |
| If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers it's gone, I think a good thing to do is to blame it on Santa Claus Jack Handy Quotations |
| If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose Jack Handy Quotes |
| If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that. Jack Handy |
| If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen." Jack Handy Adages |
| If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact Jack Handy Sayings |
| If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming. Jack Handy |
| If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots." Jack Handy Remarks |
| If you lose your job, your marriage and your mind all in one week, try to lose your mind first, because then the other stuff won't matter that much Jack Handy |
| If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone. Jack Handy Quotations |
| If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness Jack Handy |
| If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine. Jack Handy |
| If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away. Jack Handy |
| If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. Jack Handy |
| If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them. Jack Handy Adages |
| If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny. Jack Handy |
| If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture. Jack Handy Sayings |
| Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live) Jack Handy |
| Instead of building newer and larger weapons of mass destruction, I think mankind should try to get more use out of the ones we have Jack Handy |
| Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point. Jack Handy |
| Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have. Jack Handy Quotes |
| It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. Jack Handy Popular Quotes |
| It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be carried by one of the world's smallest animals: the real tiny dog. Jack Handy Quotations |
| It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money. - Deep Thoughts ( Saturday Night Live) Jack Handy Sayings |
| It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons. Jack Handy |
| It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire. Jack Handy |
| Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't get the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they thought it was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start faking it, like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you... Jack Handy |
| Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull? Jack Handy |
| Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know, most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from invasion by another group." "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny. Jack Handy Remarks |
| Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself:"Mankind." Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind."What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind. Jack Handy Quotations |
| Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that." Jack Handy |
| My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth - that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally - but I didn't want to upset him. Jack Handy Popular Quotes |
| Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the interchangeable parts. Jack Handy Popular Quotes |
| One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse Jack Handy Quotes |
| One thing vampire children are taught is, never run with a wooden stake Jack Handy Remarks |
| One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with wooden stakes. Jack Handy Adages |
| Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. Jack Handy |
| Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared Jack Handy Quotations |
| Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you. Jack Handy Quotations |
| Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights,even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live) Jack Handy Sayings |
| Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done. Jack Handy |
| Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head." Normally you would think that "fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually think that. Jack Handy |
| The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw. Jack Handy Quotes |
| The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face Jack Handy |
| The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you. Jack Handy Quotes |
| The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh? Jack Handy Adages |
| The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's bills were real high. Jack Handy |
| There's nothing so tragic as seeing a family pulled apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves. Jack Handy Quotations |
| To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other Jack Handy Sayings |
| To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad. Jack Handy |
| To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, Hey, can you give me a hand? You can say, Sorry, got these sacks. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live) Jack Handy Remarks |
| We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me. Jack Handy |
| What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? Jack Handy |
| When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear. Jack Handy |
| When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil. Jack Handy Sayings |
| Whenever I hear the sparrow chirping, watch the woodpecker chirp, catch a chirping trout, or listen to the sad howl of the chirp rat, I think: Oh boy! I'm going insane again. Jack Handy Remarks |
| Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books Jack Handy |
| You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea. Jack Handy Remarks |
