Jack Handey Quotes & Jack Handey Sayings

A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it. Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus's-flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition. Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?! Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling. Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again. How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak. How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak. I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex. I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, 'What was THAT?!' I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick 'Americans' as their mascot. I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it. I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it. I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching. I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.' I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him. I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page I think one way police departments could make some money would be to hold a yard sale of murder weapons. Many people, for example, could probably use a cheap ice pick. I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away. I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo!, I'd have all my money back. I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away. I'd rather be rich than stupid. If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, Like I am now. If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. 'Wait a minute! I thought WE won!' If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what really throws you into a panic. If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you. If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you. If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we BUILD to that. If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact. If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming. If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness. If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness. If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast. If you're an ant, and you're walking along across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin. If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade. If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been. If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don't let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away. Make him practice on it, every day, for about three hours a day. Later, he'll thank you. Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window. Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the STILTS? It probably lasts longer, plus it moves around. Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk. Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk. It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was going to fight in another fight, away from the first fight. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money. It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something. Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a tall, leafy dog that has roots and is very quiet. One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me. Playing dead not only comes in handy when face to face with a bear, but also at important business meetings. Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared. Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, it is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver. The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. The tiger can't change his spots. No, wait, he did! Good for him! The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, 'Hey, I'm Vine Man.' To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad. To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad. To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can you give me a hand?,' you can say, 'Sorry, got these sacks.' What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid-gold baby? Maybe we'll never know. When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear. When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, 'I like mayonnaise.' She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me. Whenever I need to ``get away,'' I just get away in my mind. I go to my imaginary spot, where the beach is perfect and the water is perfect and the weather is perfect. The only bad thing there are the flies. They're terrible! Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions? Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books. Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books. Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won't laugh at a man just walking down the street carrying a clown outfit in one of those plastic dry-cleaner bags?